Holy Fuck. The Appointment Has Been Made

September 7, 2011 at 8:19 pm (Baby on the Brain) (, , , )

Yes, THAT appointment. The initial appointment/consultation that will hopefully start the “holy fuck we’re having a baby” process. We’ve decided to go to a reproductive endocrinologist at a reproductive center in Pasadena. Since I’m so freaking old (in baby making years), this ball’s got to go at light speed once it starts rolling. I was totally weird when I made the appointment. Tried cracking jokes that the appointment setter just didn’t get (they were awful jokes. Truly). And when she asked, “is this appointment for infertility?” I had no answer. Am I fertile? Probably. Can I get pregnant? Not with my current partner.

Tangent: Did I ever relate the story of another lesbian couple we know? At a family gathering, one of the women told her grandmother, “Grandma, we’re trying to have a baby.” Grandma looked at the two of them and stated, “You’re doing it wrong!” /tangent

I guess that makes me infertile for the time being. And in need of their fertility services. ICI, IUI, IVF. Rah Rah Rah! Siss-boom-bah! Or something like that. Which to choose? I’m thinking we’ll go right past ICI and try IUI, as we’ll probably be doing this at their facilities and not trying to be all “let’s both be involved in the baby making, here–let me shove this turkey baster up your —-while we’re surrounded by candlelight and soft music. Isn’t it beautiful?” I’m sure that works for some people but that’s SO NOT US! We’re going for clinical, efficient, and cost effective, thank you very much.

We’ve kind of settled on having a baby whose bio dad is…Taiwanese/Chinese. Our choices are so limited, we don’t even really care what the donor looks like. But we’ll get a picture just to make sure we don’t know him or worse, he’s related. Or maybe that’d be better? Whatever. Out of 4 potential donors, this one is tall(ish), smart, and likes sports.

Handing over the credit card for this stuff is going to hurt. I sent over a copy of my insurance card but we really have no idea how much it’s going to cost to get pregnant (and no, we’re not thinking past that to the actual cost of having another human who’s totally dependent on us. Just not going there, ok?). But it’s going to be worth it, right? Right?

If the damn doctor tells me I have to lose weight I might shoot him, though.

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What’s Different?

February 15, 2011 at 2:25 pm (Healthy...?) (, , , , , )

I stopped working out in November. I’d worked out consistently, at least 5 times a week, from July til then. I had muscles. Definition. A hint of a waist instead of straight down from my breasts to my hips. I liked the way I was looking. So did my girlfriend. So what happened? I got sick. Not working out became my evening habit instead of turning on the DVD and sweating for an hour. I also stopped writing down my calorie intake and when I didn’t immediately start gaining the weight back I thought it was all good. Fooled myself into believing I could still maintain my weight loss.

HAH! SO NOT! I gained 6 pounds from Thanksgiving to New Year’s. I tried to rationalize it but my scale doesn’t lie. It’s cruel and unyielding and tells me my body fat percentage has been creeping up in the past 6 weeks. Oh how I loathe stepping onto that thing in the morning. I even go so far as to think “skinny” thoughts and expel all my breath before allowing my feet to touch the offending and all-too-damaging-to-my-self-esteem piece of molded plastic. So while the actual weight gain hasn’t been horrendous, I’m losing muscle along with my turn back into a sloth.

And I’m thinking that my journey back to couch potato status has not gone unnoticed by my hormones. I barely had a period last month and this past week, when I should be experiencing things like huge boobs and weird cramps and general moodiness? Maybe some cramps. But not much else. So now I’m worried enough to start writing down my calorie intake and limiting the number of lemon bars making their way past my lips. I’ve been making an effort to eat healthier dinners (I worked last Thursday, Friday & Saturday so I know my diet sucked then. I also went out to dinner with friends Saturday night and didn’t eat well). New leaf, I tell you!

I’ve got to get back into the shape I was in 4 months ago. I bought new pants that I just got back from the tailor. I have nicer clothes than I’ve had in years waiting to be worn but I can’t seem to get my fatty arms into sleeves that fit not so long ago. And my shape was so…intriguing to my girlfriend. Yeah, definitely gotta make some changes around here.

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Dress to Impress

November 18, 2010 at 8:01 pm (Randomness) (, , , )

UPDATE: I just read this post and it’s mostly incoherent babbling. My excuse is that I was typing this as my girlfriend was watching Super Size Me on Hulu about 5 feet away. And she’s kind of deaf, so the volume was up kind of loud so I couldn’t really concentrate. Sorry.

I’m now the proud owner of 2 compression shirts, one white, one black. They work well for flattening my chest even more than my sports bras. Why flatten my AAA cups? When I’m working it’s just more convenient. And it’s way more comfortable when I work out. I’m not sure what binding (and I use that term loosely, I’m not really binding my breasts) says about me, and I don’t think I’m doing it for a more masculine look although more androgynous is ok with me. I have long hair and unless I’m wearing a baseball cap I rarely get mistaken for a man anymore. I think it might work to my advantage to be androgynous in construction.

Anyway, I wear mens clothing most of the time, but until about 2 months ago, I owned one pair of pants that weren’t jeans. I had to buy new pants and now that I’ve lost a little weight the womens pants now fit better than mens. So I have 3 pairs of womens trousers. My dress shirts are all womens because the cut is more flattering, but I’m really looking at custom shirts online that I can order to size. And I’m becoming enamored of cufflinks. So dressing up–do I feminize myself? I don’t think so. Not much, anyway. I feel much more butch in my every day stuff. Anything more than jeans and a t-shirt? Definitely androgynous. But with boots with chunky heels. I’ll never be a girly girl, that’s for sure.

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Hormonal

October 28, 2010 at 5:40 pm (Randomness) (, )

That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it. Cry at the drop of a hat (or while watching GMCLA’s video for the Trevor Project & It Gets Better), weird crampy feeling in my stomach, and the insatiable appetite. I want to eat everything in the house. Good thing there’s not really any food, I’ve had a protein shake, leftover Chinese food, a couple of wedges of Laughing Cow cheese, and a grilled cheese sandwich. Oh, and some excellent handmade chocolate with toffee bits from my girlfriend’s trip to Napa a couple of weeks ago. Seriously though. It feels like my stomach is EMPTY. I’m now contemplating oatmeal and a beer. I need something to make me not hungry so I can go out after the baseball game and buy real food. Lots of staples to stock up on so I suppose I’ll spend some time trying to figure out who has the best deals this week.

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Things That Keep Me Up At Night

October 21, 2010 at 2:43 pm (Baby on the Brain) (, , , )

This is no small thing. I want to do everything I can to keep our child from being teased, bullied, or looked at as if he/she is different. Our kid will already be facing an uphill battle: 2 moms (although I know it’s much, much easier for us than it is for people who don’t live in a major metropolitan, fairly liberal area and who don’t have as many legal rights as we will right from the get-go), most likely there will be weight issues, even if we find a donor who is 5’10” and weighs 90 lbs. What really worries me? In the wake of the past month’s tragedies involving LGBTQ kids and the unbearable sorrow at the loss of those young lives this seems trivial. But this is me just in my head. I won’t be able to bring our child up in Los Angeles as a San Francisco Giants fan. I don’t think I can subject him or her to the kind of ridicule they’ll receive for wearing the black and orange instead of blue and white. Is that silly of me? I am a Giants fan. I’ve always been a Giants fan. I love my team. I don’t hate the Dodgers. But I can’t stomach the possibility that they’ll grow up loving those boys in blue more than MY team. It’s kind of ridiculous to be thinking of something seemingly so trivial when we’ve not even decided to meet with my OB/GYN.

I’m becoming one of those people for whom every thought is colored by the “baby crazies”. Blegh.

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