Me and My Big Mouth

December 2, 2010 at 12:36 pm (Baby on the Brain, Healthy...?) (, , , , )

Tuesday night at rehearsal one of my friends asked if I was pregnant yet. Um, no, but thanks for asking! I need to be more circumspect in who I tell what and try to remember to keep my mouth shut. It’s not that I don’t want people to know. It’s just that there’s now this level of expectation, this pressure, because some people know that we want to have a baby. I’m sure my friend will be nothing but supportive with regard to our attempts, she and her ex went through a lot to conceive their daughter. But I don’t know if I’m ready to go through the whole process with my girlfriend, let alone our other friends.

I’m superstitious, too. So I don’t think I’ll tell anyone even if I do get pregnant, for the first, oh, 12-16 weeks or so. Ok, I might tell my parents. And my best friends. Oh, god, am I going to be able to keep this a secret? And what if something happens? I don’t think I could deal with telling people if I miscarry or something happens with the pregnancy.

So much to do if we want to start insemination in March or April. I’d still like to lose another 15 pounds, I’ve got to get my OB/GYN to fill out some paperwork, we need to find a donor, for chrissakes! I’d like to have more than one choice. Weigh our options. But that’s not looking so good right now. We’re convinced that we want an anonymous donor. I don’t think I could ask any of my guy friends to donate, nor do I think family members would be appropriate, given my/our medical histories. Here’s a perfect chance to have a baby who will hopefully start out life with only 1/2 the hereditary garbage–from my family he/she’d get heart disease, diabetes, arthritis, cancer, you name it, someone’s got it or had it in my family.

In other news, I went to my doctor yesterday, and I’ve lost 23 pounds since I last saw him 19 months ago. Of course, I had mono then and was still in school and eating like crap. We discussed my allergies and asthma and he’s putting me on another medication that will hopefully get rid of the wheezing and get my breathing back to normal. I also got a flu shot which hurts like a motherfucker right now, it’s swollen and tender and my whole arm is uncomfortable. The shot could also explain this horrible headache. Anyway, I’m also supposed to fill prescriptions for an antibiotic and go back on a low dose of a beta blocker to try and minimize my migraines.

This whole “taking better care of myself” is hard work.

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Things That Keep Me Up At Night

October 21, 2010 at 2:43 pm (Baby on the Brain) (, , , )

This is no small thing. I want to do everything I can to keep our child from being teased, bullied, or looked at as if he/she is different. Our kid will already be facing an uphill battle: 2 moms (although I know it’s much, much easier for us than it is for people who don’t live in a major metropolitan, fairly liberal area and who don’t have as many legal rights as we will right from the get-go), most likely there will be weight issues, even if we find a donor who is 5’10” and weighs 90 lbs. What really worries me? In the wake of the past month’s tragedies involving LGBTQ kids and the unbearable sorrow at the loss of those young lives this seems trivial. But this is me just in my head. I won’t be able to bring our child up in Los Angeles as a San Francisco Giants fan. I don’t think I can subject him or her to the kind of ridicule they’ll receive for wearing the black and orange instead of blue and white. Is that silly of me? I am a Giants fan. I’ve always been a Giants fan. I love my team. I don’t hate the Dodgers. But I can’t stomach the possibility that they’ll grow up loving those boys in blue more than MY team. It’s kind of ridiculous to be thinking of something seemingly so trivial when we’ve not even decided to meet with my OB/GYN.

I’m becoming one of those people for whom every thought is colored by the “baby crazies”. Blegh.

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The Ick Factor

October 18, 2010 at 2:02 pm (Baby on the Brain) (, , , )

Getting pregnant without a guy can be great–you get to choose the donor, the physical and mental characteristics of your baby’s bio-dad. But it’s also overwhelming, that choice. (An aside here, the plan as it stands is for me to have our first child, my girlfriend to have our second, and then maybe one of us will want to have another? We’re definitely set on having at least 2 though.) I want our kid to be taller than us (not hard, we’re both barely over 5 feet), smart, artistic, athletic, and hopefully not dealing with being the fat kid most of his/her life. So our donor has to be Asian, tall, athletic, high IQ, and skinny. What narrows it down even further (because that’s not being too over specific at all) is that our children would preferably be part Japanese, part Taiwanese. We’d prefer using the same donor for both of us, meaning that donor has to be part Japanese, part Taiwanese. Of course, not many donors list being Taiwanese even if they are. They check the Chinese box instead. Frustrating. And we don’t know of any so far that are part J and T. So now what do we do? Different donors for each of us? Same donor but then that changes our kids’ ethnicity? Is that even something we care about, really?

Other choices: my OB/GYN thinks that we could do the insemination at home. I don’t know if I could actually do that though. My tolerance for anything even closely resembling sperm is -100%. So handling it or putting it in my body? Much more likely to not make me vomit if it’s in a clinical setting. Cheaper, yes, doing it at home. But I don’t think that’s something I want to do.

Known donor. Like, a friend or relative. Complicated. And I don’t know how to ask someone to do that for us. Yes, I’d like our children to be parts of both of us, but in this case I think it’s going to matter more that they’re brought up by us, not that they’re biologically part me and part my girlfriend.

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Every Once In A While

October 15, 2010 at 11:43 pm (Baby on the Brain) (, , )

I send freak out emails to one of my best friends. Because she lives 6000 miles away but I’ve known her for over 20 years. I shouldn’t send them, I hate it when my dad does that to me (we call them email bombs, he figures if he can’t say things out loud, well then, he’s just going to say them in an email), but I can’t seem to help myself.

Subject: i think i’m gonna have a nervous breakdown

because i’ve got some sort of horrific baby on the brain thing going on over here.

i’m hormonal. that’s for damn sure. i’m reading blogs about lesbians having babies. about how there are no maternity clothes for butch (ok, i’m not really totally butch but i do prefer mens’ clothing over womens’ and oh shit, where does that apostrophe go?) dykes and i’m going to have to resort to floral patterns and ruffles. god help me.

did i mention the sperm donor catalogs? so far, i have ONE choice if i want a taiwanese donor, maybe 4 if i want a japanese donor.

babies. me. stupid ticking clock is getting louder in here.

and how is everything over there?

And then, two days later:

Subject:  I’m over freaking out now

really, i am. fucking hormones.

anyway, don’t know what i’m going to do about the baby thing. ugh. me? baby? frustrating that my brain’s suddenly become this minefield of previously unheard of needs and i can’t do anything about it. except drop stupid emails on unsuspecting friends. yay me.

i promise to keep them to a minimum.

Most of the time I feel like a basket case. I think I want a baby. I think I want to be pregnant. There’s never a “good” time to have one, I guess. With my girlfriend’s schedule as hectic as it is, it’s never really a good time to even talk about this stuff. I want to make that appointment to see if I’m even able to get pregnant. Does insurance cover this? No, of course not. Am I even sure she wants to have kids with me? Pretty sure. I know she wants to have her own biological child but does she want mine? I hate feeling like I’m running out of time.

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