What’s Different?

February 15, 2011 at 2:25 pm (Healthy...?) (, , , , , )

I stopped working out in November. I’d worked out consistently, at least 5 times a week, from July til then. I had muscles. Definition. A hint of a waist instead of straight down from my breasts to my hips. I liked the way I was looking. So did my girlfriend. So what happened? I got sick. Not working out became my evening habit instead of turning on the DVD and sweating for an hour. I also stopped writing down my calorie intake and when I didn’t immediately start gaining the weight back I thought it was all good. Fooled myself into believing I could still maintain my weight loss.

HAH! SO NOT! I gained 6 pounds from Thanksgiving to New Year’s. I tried to rationalize it but my scale doesn’t lie. It’s cruel and unyielding and tells me my body fat percentage has been creeping up in the past 6 weeks. Oh how I loathe stepping onto that thing in the morning. I even go so far as to think “skinny” thoughts and expel all my breath before allowing my feet to touch the offending and all-too-damaging-to-my-self-esteem piece of molded plastic. So while the actual weight gain hasn’t been horrendous, I’m losing muscle along with my turn back into a sloth.

And I’m thinking that my journey back to couch potato status has not gone unnoticed by my hormones. I barely had a period last month and this past week, when I should be experiencing things like huge boobs and weird cramps and general moodiness? Maybe some cramps. But not much else. So now I’m worried enough to start writing down my calorie intake and limiting the number of lemon bars making their way past my lips. I’ve been making an effort to eat healthier dinners (I worked last Thursday, Friday & Saturday so I know my diet sucked then. I also went out to dinner with friends Saturday night and didn’t eat well). New leaf, I tell you!

I’ve got to get back into the shape I was in 4 months ago. I bought new pants that I just got back from the tailor. I have nicer clothes than I’ve had in years waiting to be worn but I can’t seem to get my fatty arms into sleeves that fit not so long ago. And my shape was so…intriguing to my girlfriend. Yeah, definitely gotta make some changes around here.

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Me and My Big Mouth

December 2, 2010 at 12:36 pm (Baby on the Brain, Healthy...?) (, , , , )

Tuesday night at rehearsal one of my friends asked if I was pregnant yet. Um, no, but thanks for asking! I need to be more circumspect in who I tell what and try to remember to keep my mouth shut. It’s not that I don’t want people to know. It’s just that there’s now this level of expectation, this pressure, because some people know that we want to have a baby. I’m sure my friend will be nothing but supportive with regard to our attempts, she and her ex went through a lot to conceive their daughter. But I don’t know if I’m ready to go through the whole process with my girlfriend, let alone our other friends.

I’m superstitious, too. So I don’t think I’ll tell anyone even if I do get pregnant, for the first, oh, 12-16 weeks or so. Ok, I might tell my parents. And my best friends. Oh, god, am I going to be able to keep this a secret? And what if something happens? I don’t think I could deal with telling people if I miscarry or something happens with the pregnancy.

So much to do if we want to start insemination in March or April. I’d still like to lose another 15 pounds, I’ve got to get my OB/GYN to fill out some paperwork, we need to find a donor, for chrissakes! I’d like to have more than one choice. Weigh our options. But that’s not looking so good right now. We’re convinced that we want an anonymous donor. I don’t think I could ask any of my guy friends to donate, nor do I think family members would be appropriate, given my/our medical histories. Here’s a perfect chance to have a baby who will hopefully start out life with only 1/2 the hereditary garbage–from my family he/she’d get heart disease, diabetes, arthritis, cancer, you name it, someone’s got it or had it in my family.

In other news, I went to my doctor yesterday, and I’ve lost 23 pounds since I last saw him 19 months ago. Of course, I had mono then and was still in school and eating like crap. We discussed my allergies and asthma and he’s putting me on another medication that will hopefully get rid of the wheezing and get my breathing back to normal. I also got a flu shot which hurts like a motherfucker right now, it’s swollen and tender and my whole arm is uncomfortable. The shot could also explain this horrible headache. Anyway, I’m also supposed to fill prescriptions for an antibiotic and go back on a low dose of a beta blocker to try and minimize my migraines.

This whole “taking better care of myself” is hard work.

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Hormonally Yours

November 21, 2010 at 7:36 pm (Baby on the Brain, TGF) (, , , , , , , )

I think that’s the name of an album from way back when by Shakespeare’s Sister. Good album. But that’s not what this post is about.

Backstory: I was never one to have a regular period. It would show up, sometimes it didn’t. Made for a few scares back when I was still sleeping with men. But that’s a whole other story.

Fast forward to July, I lost weight, my period came back. I started tracking it for real and my cycle went 33 days, 31 days, and the past few have been 29 days. I’m hopeful it’ll be more regular now but who knows? Watch, when we actually try to inseminate, I won’t have a period that month. I’m nothing if not obstinate.

BUT, the reason for the title of this post (and for this post at all) is that the past three months have seen the days leading up to, during, and after ovulating (and I think I’m ovulating because my BBT was 97.4 yesterday morning, which is .8 higher than my ‘normal’ 96.63) come with massive cramps, a migraine, and swollen and oh-my-god-don’t-let-the-wind-blow-on-them-they’re-so-sensitive breasts. They hurt when I take of my bra. They hurt when the water touches them in the shower. They hurt if I bend over. It’s unreal. My body is doing some strange things as it rewires systems that have been haywire because of my health and weight.

Oh, and moody, much? Seriously, I’m buying myself the “zero to bitch in 2.5 seconds” shirt. Short tempered, downright nasty. Is this supposed to happen when I’m ovulating? I’m used to PMS being right around the start of my period, not 2 whole weeks before! I feel so bad for my girlfriend, who, of course, gets the brunt of my moodswings. I’m normally pretty grouchy but this has been horrible.

Maybe I should go back on my beta-blocker. It made me so much more mellow and the added benefit of less painful migraines was great. Yes, it did seem to kill some of my braincells so my girlfriend made me stop taking it, but I was much more pleasant on it. I guess I can’t afford to lose that many brain cells. And the short term memory loss sucked, too.

I suppose I’ll have to remain a hormonal mass of moodiness for the time being. The influx of additional hormones when I get pregnant might make my girlfriend homicidal, though. I may have to invest in lots of massage appointments for her.

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Things I Won’t Be Able to Do…But Will I Miss Them?

October 23, 2010 at 4:57 pm (Randomness, Uncategorized) (, , , )

Getting pregnant means a lot of changes both physically and mentally for us. Mentally I’ll have to accept that we’re going to be responsible for that life that’s growing inside me. And sharing our lives with another person, having that person basically become our lives? It’s a lot to take in.

Physically? I don’t know how I’m going to adapt to another being inside me. Depending on me for its’ food and well being. I’ll be more aware than ever that I can’t eat the double quarter pounder with cheese and large fries. I won’t be able to start my day with 32oz of coffee with non-dairy creamer and splenda. Working out 3-5 times a week? Who knows if I’ll have the energy or will to do that anymore.

And I’ll have to give up beer.

That’s HUGE. I love beer. It’s my guilty pleasure, given how  I’ve started watching my carbs and calorie intake. There are very few things that throw off my diet like beer. Because I can’t have just one. Probably two or three. Yikes.  So today, in honor of the Giants game, I’m on my second Blue Moon.  456 calories. No more food tonight!

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Blank

October 20, 2010 at 12:10 am (Randomness) (, )

I really started this with the intention of blogging every day. But I’ve nothing to say today, so I guess I just need to write when I feel compelled. Ugh. Today I consumed 4 pieces of pizza and oatmeal. So if I eat anything else I’ll be overdoing it calorie wise for the day (even though I’m starving right now). I suppose I should just have a protein shake so I won’t be miserable when I wake up in the morning.

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100 Days

October 17, 2010 at 8:42 pm (Baby on the Brain, Randomness) (, , )

100 days ago I started working out with a dvd, doing cardio and weights 5-6 times a week for the first 45 days, tapering off to about 3-4 times a week since then. I also stopped eating fast food (there was one day when I had to have a bacon/egg/cheese biscuit from McD’s but that’s it) and started watching my calorie intake. I figure I now consume between 1200-1500 calories per day, mostly protein.

I started at 177 lbs. and now I’m down to 157.5 as of this morning. It’s a little faster than my goal of losing 1-1 1/2 lbs per week, but since I don’t really feel as if I’m suffering, I’ll take it. I don’t want to be fat anymore. I’m tired of being tired, outgrowing my “fat” clothes, and chafing in funny places while I’m working. I’m also finding that I’m more hormonally balanced when my diet and exercise routine is better, and I’ve had 3 consecutive “normal” periods. Which hardly ever happens.

I’m amused at the number of people who ask me, “what are you doing to lose weight?” Um, diet and exercise? There’s no quick fix for me. And I’d rather not do some scary diet, lose a heck of a lot of weight, and then have all this skin hanging around after. Ick. I figure if I’m going to have a baby, I’m going to have a hard enough time getting my body to bounce back as it is.

My goal right now is to lose another 10 lbs and keep that off for a while. Of course, my other goal is to have a baby in the next 12-18 months, so the weight thing may be pushed aside in favor of just being healthy enough to conceive and have a successful pregnancy. But I’m proud to have come this far and decided to mark this day with a post. Yay me.

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