Holy Fuck. The Appointment Has Been Made

September 7, 2011 at 8:19 pm (Baby on the Brain) (, , , )

Yes, THAT appointment. The initial appointment/consultation that will hopefully start the “holy fuck we’re having a baby” process. We’ve decided to go to a reproductive endocrinologist at a reproductive center in Pasadena. Since I’m so freaking old (in baby making years), this ball’s got to go at light speed once it starts rolling. I was totally weird when I made the appointment. Tried cracking jokes that the appointment setter just didn’t get (they were awful jokes. Truly). And when she asked, “is this appointment for infertility?” I had no answer. Am I fertile? Probably. Can I get pregnant? Not with my current partner.

Tangent: Did I ever relate the story of another lesbian couple we know? At a family gathering, one of the women told her grandmother, “Grandma, we’re trying to have a baby.” Grandma looked at the two of them and stated, “You’re doing it wrong!” /tangent

I guess that makes me infertile for the time being. And in need of their fertility services. ICI, IUI, IVF. Rah Rah Rah! Siss-boom-bah! Or something like that. Which to choose? I’m thinking we’ll go right past ICI and try IUI, as we’ll probably be doing this at their facilities and not trying to be all “let’s both be involved in the baby making, here–let me shove this turkey baster up your —-while we’re surrounded by candlelight and soft music. Isn’t it beautiful?” I’m sure that works for some people but that’s SO NOT US! We’re going for clinical, efficient, and cost effective, thank you very much.

We’ve kind of settled on having a baby whose bio dad is…Taiwanese/Chinese. Our choices are so limited, we don’t even really care what the donor looks like. But we’ll get a picture just to make sure we don’t know him or worse, he’s related. Or maybe that’d be better? Whatever. Out of 4 potential donors, this one is tall(ish), smart, and likes sports.

Handing over the credit card for this stuff is going to hurt. I sent over a copy of my insurance card but we really have no idea how much it’s going to cost to get pregnant (and no, we’re not thinking past that to the actual cost of having another human who’s totally dependent on us. Just not going there, ok?). But it’s going to be worth it, right? Right?

If the damn doctor tells me I have to lose weight I might shoot him, though.

Permalink Leave a Comment

How to Really Freak Me Out

April 22, 2011 at 3:46 pm (Baby on the Brain) (, , )

Write an article about how hard it is, despite all those Hollywood stars and media people saying otherwise, to get pregnant after 35…makes me want to quit before I even get started.

Permalink Leave a Comment

No Walking and Chewing Gum

January 9, 2011 at 1:12 am (Baby on the Brain, Randomness) (, , )

I am not a multitasker. I do not possess the skills required to do more than one thing at a time. That does not serve me well when I’m on the computer, on the phone, or driving. My girlfriend knows that I can’t listen to her if I’m working on a project (but she still talks to me anyway). She multitasks with the best of them, so she acknowledges my one-thing-at-a-timeness, but is unable to truly get it.

I can’t even listen to music if I’m trying to read or fill out paperwork. Some people need music or tv to fall asleep, I can only go to sleep if there’s no noise. Hence my need for earplugs (well, my girlfriend snores, too, but that’s another blog post).

This inability makes me worry about when we have kids. I’m never going to be able to get anything done if I have to finish one task before I can start another. At best, I’ll start a whole lot of stuff, get distracted, move onto a whole lot of other stuff, and have a half diapered child waiting to be fed while I’m in another room trying to pay bills or cleaning the microwave.

Another thing that worries me about this potential child? I stress out easily. To compensate I usually need a day all to myself to decompress. Like today–I cleaned the house, did the laundry, did some really anal-retentive things with my contacts list in my Outlook (I accidentally erased all of my contacts a couple of days ago. Talk about stress), and didn’t talk to anyone. All in all, I had a very good day. But I figure I’m not going to get a whole lot of these kinds of days when we have offspring. I don’t know how my mother did it. I mean, she’s one of the most independent, I-like-being-by-myself people I know. Does being a parent make you less selfish? I certainly hope it does for me.

I had a point to this post but I was sidetracked by watering my plants. Then I tripped on the way to the sink and had to clean up the water off the floor. Which led to getting out the mop. And now I’m too tired to do anything but stare at the words I’ve just typed.

Permalink Leave a Comment

We’re 5 Days In…

January 5, 2011 at 11:01 pm (Baby on the Brain, TGF, Weekend Update) (, , , , , )

2011 so far has been full of changes. But to recap the last week we must go back…to 2010!

I submitted all my paperwork for my new health insurance, that was a pain in the ass. Did I mention that not only does my mother still have a fax machine but she has a scanner, too? Amazing. So after 2 attempts at faxing my application to my insurance person (the faxes weren’t coming out because the font they use for the application is like 8pt. Totally ridiculous) I had to scan the application pages to pdf and send them over via email. Which also took 2 attempts, because scanning them at 300 dpi made the file HUGE. Sigh. Live and learn. I’m learning nothing that takes place in my mother’s house happens quickly, nor does it happen as you wish it would. Every time we attempted to leave the house we were no less than 20 minutes late. We overslept. We had to feed the nephew. We had to wait for someone. We forgot to pack something. Just getting out of the house was a miracle.

December 30th I went to the airport to pick up my partner from the airport. After getting lost, twice, in the stupid airport parking lot (they’ve been remodeling for years and finally finished. And then they moved Southwest out of Terminal A to Terminal B. Or something like that. So I was very confused when I was directed into the “wrong” parking lot) I actually went into the terminal to wait for her plane to arrive. I’ve never been so happy to see somebody! And then I begged her to agree to getting a hotel room for New Year’s Eve because there’s only so much family I can take and I was over my limit. Luckily, she agreed and we got a fabulous little hotel room a few miles from my parents’ house.

New Year’s day was never ending food. I think I was shoveling food into my mouth from 2pm til around 10pm. My waistline increased dramatically the week I was home. I have no willpower, and my mother has a full pantry.

We decided to come home a day early so that we would have a day to relax before returning to the grind of everyday living. My brother told us that the grapevine (that part of I5 that goes through the mountains that separate Los Angeles from the Central Valley) was closed due to snow and we’d better take Highway 101. That drive is at least an hour longer than I5. Oh well. My girlfriend and I talked most of the way home about things we need to get done in the next few months, my lack of insurance and how that affects our baby timeline, and we finally had some serious discussion about babymaking. So far, I’ve done most of the research into the various sperm banks and their donor lists (still only have 1 or 2 choices if we’re really going for someone who’s Taiwanese or Japanese), as well as what steps need to be taken before I even come in contact with those little swimmers. First and foremost, I’m back on my diet. Then there’s finding another OB/GYN because my old one will be out of network if I do get accepted by Blue Cross. There’s much paperwork to be filled out and we will have to legally become domestic partners. With a pre-nup. We have to start the adoption process or at least find out how and where to start so that the baby can be on her insurance.

Oh, and then there’s the baby’s last name. I want our child to have both our last names. But do we hyphenate? I’ve got a rather long last name (9 letters) and her’s is shorter (4 letters). A 13 letter last name seems cruel if our child has a first name that’s more than 1 syllable and a Japanese middle name. So do we somehow shorten our names into one name? We came up with some seriously awful ones that made us laugh. Then we decided that our child, while he or she will be a source of amusement, joy, and laughter, doing something like naming him or her purely for our own entertainment is just not right. Ok, back to the drawing board. I’m sure we’ll have much more discussion about names in the future.

It is here that I must point out that in our less than 6 hour drive, my girlfriend had to pee 3 times. 30 minutes into our drive she was asking to find a place to stop for a potty break. Overactive kidneys she has, I’m sure of it. Nobody should have to pee every 20 minutes. I fully expect to eat these words when I have a baby’s knee in my bladder…

We made it home safe and sound with Christmas presents that we were not expecting now sitting on a bookshelf, waiting to be used and/or put away. There are chores to be done, my house was not clean and tidy when the new year came around and I’m convinced that I’ve cursed myself into this chaos for the rest of the year. My girlfriend offered to hire someone to come in and help clean, but I’m not sure I want anyone in my house, seeing the utter destruction that is our living room.  Again, I will probably rethink what I just said when I’m 7 months pregnant, can’t see my feet, and I’m trying to clean the toilet.

I wonder if it’s bad juju to talk about being pregnant? I mean I’ve not even started the whole process. Maybe I’m jinxing myself? Maybe I should just end this here and get some sleep. I’ve another post to write, though I expect I won’t get to that til later this week.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Second Class Citizen

December 28, 2010 at 12:35 am (Baby on the Brain, TGF) (, , , , , , )

There’s nothing like a little discrimination to make you feel, well, downright shitty. I’ve spent the last few days in a funk, trying to figure out how I’ve lived this long and never really had anyone make me feel like this. I’ve been an out lesbian for over 15 years. I’ve been in a committed relationship for 10 of those years. I’m open and very vocal about who I am and what I am. So here I sit, utterly powerless, all because my partner’s company won’t extend benefits to me as her domestic partner. And according to my insurance agent and her legal counsel, it’s all legal, even in the state of California.

Because although we have a law that says companies must extend equal benefits to domestic partners as they do spouses, it doesn’t apply when the employees are partially funding their coverage. Fucking loopholes. This, my friends, is discrimination. And why I give a big “fuck you” to those asshats who say that domestic partnership is the same as marriage. If I’d gotten married when it was legal in California, would I be having this problem now? I don’t know. I’d probably be having a different problem, since my partner’s company is based in another state and they wouldn’t recognize our marriage anyway.

I’ve been lucky in that this has never been an issue before. But I think in a way it hurts more now. We have a plan, dammit! This was supposed to be the year we started making babies. Like, soon. And now if I switch to individual insurance, not only is it going to be ridiculously expensive (try anywhere from $280/month to $610/month) for me, it’s nearly impossible to cover prenatal care if I get pregnant within 6 months of my enrollment date. I can’t get pregnant until June BECAUSE MY INSURANCE COMPANY SAYS SO. It’s so unfair. And nobody offers any sort of coverage for infertility. We already knew that was going to be expensive.

To top that all off, my girlfriend and I are 400 miles apart this week. I’m staying with my parents through the new year and she’s back at home, working. Phone calls are not as comforting as hugs. Feeling all alone because I haven’t even told my parents we want to have a baby is dumb, but I don’t want to get their hopes up. So yay, I get to be all clandestine when I’m reading the insurance information, scrolling through the pregnancy/maternity/post birth coverage stuff.

And now my partner feels really bad because her company sucks ass. I feel guilty because she has to pay for all of this. Could this suck any more right now? Oh wait, I could have PMS, too. Well, as luck would have it, I do. So I’m crying on the phone, I slept 16 hours last night, I’m eating everything in sight. FUUUUUCK. I know it’ll work out. In my head, I know this will work out. But for now, I’m going to feel sorry for myself and tuck my lonely, fat body into a cold, lonely bed.

Permalink Leave a Comment

A Hitch in the Plans

December 24, 2010 at 11:58 am (Healthy...?) (, , , , )

My partner found out 2 weeks ago  that her company has been acquired by a bigger company based in St. Louis. Great! More opportunities for advancement, better bonuses for travel, hopefully more ‘perks’. She was feeling rather stagnated in her present job so this had the potential to become something very positive.

Cut to last week, when I was online registering us for our new health insurance plan. I fill out most of the forms and read most of the fine print in this household because although my girlfriend is a wonderful, caring person, she can’t seem to pay attention long enough to follow the instructions on a soup can, so insurance forms or our cellular phone bill are way out of her comfort zone. Anyway, I came to the page to add a spouse or dependent. I entered my name and then realized I couldn’t change the gender of the spouse on the page. It was fixed to ‘male’. Uh, what? Emails were sent out post haste. The first was, “Dear HR Person in St. Louis, I can’t add my partner to my health plan because it defaults to male, since I’m female. Please advise.”  The answer?

Unfortunately our plan does not allow for Domestic Partners. At this point there is nothing I can do.

You, “HR Benefits Specialist”, can kiss my yellow ass. So then we wrote to the former owner of the company, who is now acting as head of the west coast operations. The gist of that email was that I, as a domestic partner, was covered under the old company’s policies, as well as the law in the state of California. Any changes to this, i.e., not offering me coverage now, was unacceptable given the law (AB 2208, the California Insurance Equality Act) and that I should be covered. The first response was “we’ll get back to you.” Last night, after close of business and going into a 4 day holiday weekend, another response:

Unfortunately with the new company’s plan being partially company funded and partially employee funded we are not able to offer benefits for domestic partners.

This is California, right? I didn’t fall asleep and wake up in Texas or somewhere in the south? Holy crap, I didn’t think this would be an issue for us, ever. When people say being domestic partners is equivalent to being married so why fight for gay marriage, this is what I want them to know:   my partner’s employers think they have the right not to offer health insurance benefits to me because I am a domestic partner, not a spouse. As it stands right now, my biological child may not be covered by her insurance, either, since she’s not related by blood.

So now we have some major decisions to make. We asked for an extension of our former benefits so that I would not have a lapse in coverage after the companies merge on January 1st. They said no. They suggested I look into COBRA coverage. Do we get a lawyer? Can they actually do this in California? We’re asking our friends for advice, and so far it’s not been pleasant. One of my partner’s friends said he has COBRA now because they took away DP benefits after the whole fiasco surrounding Prop. 8 (his partner’s company ended DP benefits while same sex marriage was legal and never reinstated it) and they couldn’t sue because his partner wasn’t out.

Are we going to fight? Where does this put us as far as planning for the kid? How much more expensive is COBRA if I have to go on it? Individual insurance is not necessarily an option for me, I’ve been told I’m basically uninsurable because I have asthma. Fuckers.

I sent an email to the Nat’l Center for Lesbian Rights, hopefully they get back to me about options soon. Wish I had more than a week to get this sorted out. That it’s the week between Christmas and New Year’s, when most people aren’t really working? Figures.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Me and My Big Mouth

December 2, 2010 at 12:36 pm (Baby on the Brain, Healthy...?) (, , , , )

Tuesday night at rehearsal one of my friends asked if I was pregnant yet. Um, no, but thanks for asking! I need to be more circumspect in who I tell what and try to remember to keep my mouth shut. It’s not that I don’t want people to know. It’s just that there’s now this level of expectation, this pressure, because some people know that we want to have a baby. I’m sure my friend will be nothing but supportive with regard to our attempts, she and her ex went through a lot to conceive their daughter. But I don’t know if I’m ready to go through the whole process with my girlfriend, let alone our other friends.

I’m superstitious, too. So I don’t think I’ll tell anyone even if I do get pregnant, for the first, oh, 12-16 weeks or so. Ok, I might tell my parents. And my best friends. Oh, god, am I going to be able to keep this a secret? And what if something happens? I don’t think I could deal with telling people if I miscarry or something happens with the pregnancy.

So much to do if we want to start insemination in March or April. I’d still like to lose another 15 pounds, I’ve got to get my OB/GYN to fill out some paperwork, we need to find a donor, for chrissakes! I’d like to have more than one choice. Weigh our options. But that’s not looking so good right now. We’re convinced that we want an anonymous donor. I don’t think I could ask any of my guy friends to donate, nor do I think family members would be appropriate, given my/our medical histories. Here’s a perfect chance to have a baby who will hopefully start out life with only 1/2 the hereditary garbage–from my family he/she’d get heart disease, diabetes, arthritis, cancer, you name it, someone’s got it or had it in my family.

In other news, I went to my doctor yesterday, and I’ve lost 23 pounds since I last saw him 19 months ago. Of course, I had mono then and was still in school and eating like crap. We discussed my allergies and asthma and he’s putting me on another medication that will hopefully get rid of the wheezing and get my breathing back to normal. I also got a flu shot which hurts like a motherfucker right now, it’s swollen and tender and my whole arm is uncomfortable. The shot could also explain this horrible headache. Anyway, I’m also supposed to fill prescriptions for an antibiotic and go back on a low dose of a beta blocker to try and minimize my migraines.

This whole “taking better care of myself” is hard work.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Hormonally Yours

November 21, 2010 at 7:36 pm (Baby on the Brain, TGF) (, , , , , , , )

I think that’s the name of an album from way back when by Shakespeare’s Sister. Good album. But that’s not what this post is about.

Backstory: I was never one to have a regular period. It would show up, sometimes it didn’t. Made for a few scares back when I was still sleeping with men. But that’s a whole other story.

Fast forward to July, I lost weight, my period came back. I started tracking it for real and my cycle went 33 days, 31 days, and the past few have been 29 days. I’m hopeful it’ll be more regular now but who knows? Watch, when we actually try to inseminate, I won’t have a period that month. I’m nothing if not obstinate.

BUT, the reason for the title of this post (and for this post at all) is that the past three months have seen the days leading up to, during, and after ovulating (and I think I’m ovulating because my BBT was 97.4 yesterday morning, which is .8 higher than my ‘normal’ 96.63) come with massive cramps, a migraine, and swollen and oh-my-god-don’t-let-the-wind-blow-on-them-they’re-so-sensitive breasts. They hurt when I take of my bra. They hurt when the water touches them in the shower. They hurt if I bend over. It’s unreal. My body is doing some strange things as it rewires systems that have been haywire because of my health and weight.

Oh, and moody, much? Seriously, I’m buying myself the “zero to bitch in 2.5 seconds” shirt. Short tempered, downright nasty. Is this supposed to happen when I’m ovulating? I’m used to PMS being right around the start of my period, not 2 whole weeks before! I feel so bad for my girlfriend, who, of course, gets the brunt of my moodswings. I’m normally pretty grouchy but this has been horrible.

Maybe I should go back on my beta-blocker. It made me so much more mellow and the added benefit of less painful migraines was great. Yes, it did seem to kill some of my braincells so my girlfriend made me stop taking it, but I was much more pleasant on it. I guess I can’t afford to lose that many brain cells. And the short term memory loss sucked, too.

I suppose I’ll have to remain a hormonal mass of moodiness for the time being. The influx of additional hormones when I get pregnant might make my girlfriend homicidal, though. I may have to invest in lots of massage appointments for her.

Permalink Leave a Comment

My Ideal Child

November 19, 2010 at 9:15 pm (Baby on the Brain, Navel Gazing, TGF, Uncategorized) (, , , , )

This is not a wishlist. At least I don’t think of it that way. It’s more of an “I Hope That…” list for the child who is still pretty much a twinkle in his/her mothers’ eyes.

Yesterday during lunch my girlfriend and I were talking general timelines of when we thought we might start trying this whole insemination thing. Not that we’ve chosen a donor. Or even set up an initial consultation. I suppose those things will happen after the 1st of the year. It’s looking like it’s full steam ahead in the first quarter of 2011, though. Slightly queasy at the thought but excited, too. I don’t know whether I’d like a girl or a boy. Ideally, we’d have one of each but for now we’re concentrating on the “having the baby” part. I do think there are some character traits I’d like for our child to have, regardless of gender.

I’d love our child to be outgoing, not introverted to the point of a social disorder, like me. I’d like it if she learned to be open and empathetic like her other mother as well as somehow inherit my girlfriend’s work ethic and drive. I want her to speak 3 languages (English, Mandarin & Spanish) and be able to converse with her grandmother.

I don’t want our kids to have the same hang ups that my girlfriend and I do about weight and food. I want them to be healthy, active, and look to us for comfort, not chocolate or french fries. I’ve no idea how to accomplish this since I still go for the ice cream or any type of junk food when I’m sad, but that’s something I’ll work to get past.

I’m going to try not to be so opinionated, too. I know I’m judgmental and I’m sort of a prick about it but I don’t want our kids to think they can’t talk to me or that I’ll be closed-minded if they want to be, oh, I don’t know, straight or something. Ugh, I knew I should’ve started therapy a long time ago.

Permalink Leave a Comment

I Have a Big Mouth

November 10, 2010 at 12:07 am (Baby on the Brain, TGF) (, , , , )

I have a problem not telling people every single thing about me, my relationships, my friends, etc. I can’t keep a secret. I’m not a private person by nature. So if you ask me a question, I’ll usually answer it and give you more information than you ever wanted to know. People think I gossip. I don’t, really, I just don’t think what people tell me is ever private unless you tell me so specifically.

My girlfriend is quite the opposite. For all that she has a “public” persona whose face is all over numerous blogs and who serves on a board of directors for a prominent theater company in L.A., she doesn’t tell just anyone her business.

This creates conflicts in our relationship. More to the point, it pisses her off royally when I say stuff I’m not supposed to. I’m not discreet. At all.

Which is why, after telling 3 people in rehearsal tonight that we might try to have a baby, I had to then tell them, “Don’t say anything to anyone. My girlfriend’s gonna kill me if she finds out I told you.” Yes, I say that a lot. One would think I’d be better at keeping my mouth shut. But no, I’m an open book. I say what’s on my mind and rarely do I think before I say it.

This is my leading theory on why I’m not very employable, by the way.

But so far, I’ve not told anyone about this blog. I’m thinking that I want to keep it anonymous, even though my avatar looks eerily like me. I’ve not even told my girlfriend that I’m writing here. Maybe that’ll come up when we actively start trying to conceive. Maybe it won’t. Because I’m not really sure I want her to read what I’ve written so far, and I don’t want to start self-editing or leaving things out because I don’t want her to feel bad. Or worse, get mad at me.

So I suppose I need another sign. This one will say: KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

Incidentally, the whole baby conversation started because I wore something kind of tight to rehearsal, and got a few comments about my weight loss. I said I’d like to lose another 30 if we’re going to try to have a baby. Yep. Big. Mouth. Dumb. Me.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Next page »