Once Again, We’re Moving in a Forwardly Manner (Forwardly. HAH!)

July 20, 2011 at 4:57 pm (Baby on the Brain, TGF)

Well, it’s been 3 months since I’ve posted and we’ve finally circled back ’round to the babymaking subject. I have insurance, albeit an HMO that probably won’t do for shit with the whole getting pregnant thing, but it’s insurance nonetheless. My partner has a new job and we will have new insurance starting September 1st. So now we have to decide how to proceed. I have to choose not only an OB/GYN but also someone (who may end up being the same as my OB/GYN) to do the insemination. They supposedly have recommendations at the cryobank we may use. But do I pick one now and just pay out of pocket for the initial exams, knowing my “better” insurance, which may or may not cover more of these procedures, will be effective in a little over a month? I’m beginning to feel like I’m really running out of time. Clock ticking? Maybe. Probably.

So all this planning is great but my partner and I got into a discussion last night about disclosure. I sing in a choir and have to re-audition at the end of August. We have a huge season coming up and major things in the works, including a trip to a regional choral convention and singing with the L.A. Philharmonic. If I get pregnant, am I going to be able to handle the intense schedule and travel? Who knows? But should I tell my choir director about our plans? Some people in my choir already know (have I mentioned before that 80% of my friends are in this group?) so keeping it under wraps is going to be rather hard. Do I have any sort of obligation to tell my director, given how this might impact my commitment? My partner says no. If we were a straight couple and I got pregnant, hey, surprise! I think, though, that since this is a conscious decision I have a responsibility to say something. How would it look if I sprang this on my choir? It’s a courtesy, and nothing I would do if this was a work situation or in an instance where it really isn’t anyone else’s business but ours. But this is my choir. These are my friends. So do I tell them? I think the answer is yes, but damn, my partner is so much more private than I am. I guess we’ll see how it goes with the cryobank stuff first…

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Anti-Social Behavior

March 22, 2011 at 11:02 pm (Baby on the Brain, TGF)

I should not be left home alone. If left home alone, my usual MO is to sit in total silence for hours at a time. Since my parents left on Sunday afternoon, I’ve not spoken to anyone. I went downstairs to do some work yesterday but today I avoided everyone and holed up in the apartment until it was time to go to rehearsal. Didn’t even answer the phone, though I knew the guy calling me was outside. I could hear him as he left a message. Wonder if he heard the phone ringing in my room. Very thin walls and single pane windows, you know.

I’m not a social person by nature. I like to stay home, I don’t like to talk on the phone, I rarely go to new places by myself. Have I always been this way? I don’t remember. What was I like when I was single? I don’t remember that, either. So if I was single now, I’m not sure if this is how I’d really be or if I feel like I’ve nothing to do since my girlfriend isn’t here. Whatever. She’ll be back in 2 weeks. That’s a very, very long time from now. And I haven’t spoken to her since she left Saturday night. She’s extremely busy with a conference in DC and hasn’t had time to do anything but work since she’s been there, I know, but it’s weird not speaking to her for this long.

Oh, PMS, how I hate you. Lonely, bloated, I was eating everything in sight until yesterday. Today I’ve been hungry all day and kind of just…sad. And then I get sadder when I realize I don’t really DO anything when my girlfriend isn’t around. Yay, pity party!

Anyway, to add to the sad, today I read this blog for hours. I probably shouldn’t when I’m totally PMSing but I couldn’t help it. So then I cried for these people and how hard it’s been for them. And then it made me think, do I really want to go through something like that to have a child? And at rehearsal tonight we were talking about traveling in 2012, to 2 conferences. What if we have a child – are we going to be able to travel? Will we want to travel? Would I still be singing with this group if we have to care for a kid? I know I can’t commit to any sort of thing that requires a non-refundable monetary deposit. But I’m not ready to tell people why I’m hesitant about planning something that’s 15 months away…

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Anti-Social Behavior

January 14, 2011 at 6:08 pm (Randomness, TGF)

So I’ve got this gig working as a contract hire for a company in Texas. Said company has been given the task of replacing the computer desks in a bunch of retail stores. My job is to first look at each backroom/computer desk and determine if they get a new one (every one so far is a “yes”). I’ve spent the last couple of weeks going from store to store, taking pictures and measurements, which is fine but it’s forced me to be…nice and personable with complete strangers. That’s a bit out of my comfort zone. At least I know what I’m doing and our interactions haven’t been more than 5 minutes at a time, tops. But this renders me tired and mute when I get home. Or when talking on the phone with my girlfriend.

We can add to that the 2 guys who’ve been doing some work on the apartment downstairs, both of whom like to talk. Yay. So while they’ve been here, I’ve had to be more social than normal in my own house, so to speak. Again, this makes the time I’m not talking to strangers or bullshitting with the guys tiling my bathrooms my private time to just…be not talking to anyone. Which I’m not sure my girlfriend gets. But on top of all the social-ness of the past 2 weeks, this afternoon my girlfriend asked me to go to a screening of a movie in West Hollywood. Which would have been ok (slightly better) had we still been living in Los Angeles proper, because the drive might not have taken half the night. As it is, though, making that drive from here? Not happening on a Friday night. I know I disappointed her because I didn’t want to go. I know she wants to spend time together but I just couldn’t make myself go. And I know that even if I’d gone out tonight, I would’ve been grumpy and not nice. I’m at my limit of polite and courteous, and who better to take that out on than the woman who loves me? Doesn’t make sense but that’s likely how it would go. So I live with the fact that I disappointed her, even though I really hate that and wish things were different.

Now I’m going to compound the ant-social behavior by changing into my pajamas and curling up with a book. And maybe opening a can of soup for dinner. Happy Friday!

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We’re 5 Days In…

January 5, 2011 at 11:01 pm (Baby on the Brain, TGF, Weekend Update) (, , , , , )

2011 so far has been full of changes. But to recap the last week we must go back…to 2010!

I submitted all my paperwork for my new health insurance, that was a pain in the ass. Did I mention that not only does my mother still have a fax machine but she has a scanner, too? Amazing. So after 2 attempts at faxing my application to my insurance person (the faxes weren’t coming out because the font they use for the application is like 8pt. Totally ridiculous) I had to scan the application pages to pdf and send them over via email. Which also took 2 attempts, because scanning them at 300 dpi made the file HUGE. Sigh. Live and learn. I’m learning nothing that takes place in my mother’s house happens quickly, nor does it happen as you wish it would. Every time we attempted to leave the house we were no less than 20 minutes late. We overslept. We had to feed the nephew. We had to wait for someone. We forgot to pack something. Just getting out of the house was a miracle.

December 30th I went to the airport to pick up my partner from the airport. After getting lost, twice, in the stupid airport parking lot (they’ve been remodeling for years and finally finished. And then they moved Southwest out of Terminal A to Terminal B. Or something like that. So I was very confused when I was directed into the “wrong” parking lot) I actually went into the terminal to wait for her plane to arrive. I’ve never been so happy to see somebody! And then I begged her to agree to getting a hotel room for New Year’s Eve because there’s only so much family I can take and I was over my limit. Luckily, she agreed and we got a fabulous little hotel room a few miles from my parents’ house.

New Year’s day was never ending food. I think I was shoveling food into my mouth from 2pm til around 10pm. My waistline increased dramatically the week I was home. I have no willpower, and my mother has a full pantry.

We decided to come home a day early so that we would have a day to relax before returning to the grind of everyday living. My brother told us that the grapevine (that part of I5 that goes through the mountains that separate Los Angeles from the Central Valley) was closed due to snow and we’d better take Highway 101. That drive is at least an hour longer than I5. Oh well. My girlfriend and I talked most of the way home about things we need to get done in the next few months, my lack of insurance and how that affects our baby timeline, and we finally had some serious discussion about babymaking. So far, I’ve done most of the research into the various sperm banks and their donor lists (still only have 1 or 2 choices if we’re really going for someone who’s Taiwanese or Japanese), as well as what steps need to be taken before I even come in contact with those little swimmers. First and foremost, I’m back on my diet. Then there’s finding another OB/GYN because my old one will be out of network if I do get accepted by Blue Cross. There’s much paperwork to be filled out and we will have to legally become domestic partners. With a pre-nup. We have to start the adoption process or at least find out how and where to start so that the baby can be on her insurance.

Oh, and then there’s the baby’s last name. I want our child to have both our last names. But do we hyphenate? I’ve got a rather long last name (9 letters) and her’s is shorter (4 letters). A 13 letter last name seems cruel if our child has a first name that’s more than 1 syllable and a Japanese middle name. So do we somehow shorten our names into one name? We came up with some seriously awful ones that made us laugh. Then we decided that our child, while he or she will be a source of amusement, joy, and laughter, doing something like naming him or her purely for our own entertainment is just not right. Ok, back to the drawing board. I’m sure we’ll have much more discussion about names in the future.

It is here that I must point out that in our less than 6 hour drive, my girlfriend had to pee 3 times. 30 minutes into our drive she was asking to find a place to stop for a potty break. Overactive kidneys she has, I’m sure of it. Nobody should have to pee every 20 minutes. I fully expect to eat these words when I have a baby’s knee in my bladder…

We made it home safe and sound with Christmas presents that we were not expecting now sitting on a bookshelf, waiting to be used and/or put away. There are chores to be done, my house was not clean and tidy when the new year came around and I’m convinced that I’ve cursed myself into this chaos for the rest of the year. My girlfriend offered to hire someone to come in and help clean, but I’m not sure I want anyone in my house, seeing the utter destruction that is our living room.  Again, I will probably rethink what I just said when I’m 7 months pregnant, can’t see my feet, and I’m trying to clean the toilet.

I wonder if it’s bad juju to talk about being pregnant? I mean I’ve not even started the whole process. Maybe I’m jinxing myself? Maybe I should just end this here and get some sleep. I’ve another post to write, though I expect I won’t get to that til later this week.

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1,001 Ways to Make My Head Spin

December 28, 2010 at 11:38 pm (Healthy...?, TGF) (, )

#1:  Make me fill out forms with instructions more complicated than those from the IRS. Seriously. Applying for individual health insurance requires a PhD in and of itself. And who in the world remembers the name of the doctor you saw in the ER when you were having an asthma attack 4 years ago? Or where you put the paperwork for that ER visit. List every medication you’ve been on in the past year. Yeah, right. Ask me to list everyone in my 4th grade class, why don’t you?

Then there was the fax fiasco. Call the old insurance provider. Get proof of creditable coverage faxed so we can submit with new insurance application. Sounds easy enough. But using an efax number that limits you to 10 pages per month is not good if you’re going to receive 3 copies of a 6 page document. What about our actual fax machine? Good idea. Only our fax machine is part of our all-in-one printer/scanner/fax and it no longer feeds itself. You have to sit and manually put the paper through so that it doesn’t jam itself and think there’s a fax or print job forever in queue. And, since we’ve not received a fax in oh, 2 years, there’s a bit of rust to come off the old grey matter to remember just how to make the machine receive the fax.

Fax received, finally. But look! My partner’s name is spelled incorrectly. Does this matter, as she’s not going to be on my new policy? Probably not. But holy heck that was an ordeal.

Back to the forms. Please explain every medical procedure you’ve had in the last 5 years. What was the outcome of each procedure? Then please explain why the baby dykes who look like Justin Bieber are cuter than Justin Bieber.  And get me coffe. Stat.

I’m going to bed now so that I can gear up for another day of trying to spend the last of the flexible spending account money that will go away on Friday if we don’t use it. Today I had to wait at Costco for freaking 90 minutes to get my prescriptions filled when they said it’d take 30. Why do they lie? Why can’t they just say, “hey, we’re busy, come back this afternoon?” That would make so much more sense. Tomorrow I’m going to have an eye exam and get new glasses. Because I can. And hopefully the new lenses will make my head feel a little less discombobulated when I’m filling out more forms.

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Second Class Citizen

December 28, 2010 at 12:35 am (Baby on the Brain, TGF) (, , , , , , )

There’s nothing like a little discrimination to make you feel, well, downright shitty. I’ve spent the last few days in a funk, trying to figure out how I’ve lived this long and never really had anyone make me feel like this. I’ve been an out lesbian for over 15 years. I’ve been in a committed relationship for 10 of those years. I’m open and very vocal about who I am and what I am. So here I sit, utterly powerless, all because my partner’s company won’t extend benefits to me as her domestic partner. And according to my insurance agent and her legal counsel, it’s all legal, even in the state of California.

Because although we have a law that says companies must extend equal benefits to domestic partners as they do spouses, it doesn’t apply when the employees are partially funding their coverage. Fucking loopholes. This, my friends, is discrimination. And why I give a big “fuck you” to those asshats who say that domestic partnership is the same as marriage. If I’d gotten married when it was legal in California, would I be having this problem now? I don’t know. I’d probably be having a different problem, since my partner’s company is based in another state and they wouldn’t recognize our marriage anyway.

I’ve been lucky in that this has never been an issue before. But I think in a way it hurts more now. We have a plan, dammit! This was supposed to be the year we started making babies. Like, soon. And now if I switch to individual insurance, not only is it going to be ridiculously expensive (try anywhere from $280/month to $610/month) for me, it’s nearly impossible to cover prenatal care if I get pregnant within 6 months of my enrollment date. I can’t get pregnant until June BECAUSE MY INSURANCE COMPANY SAYS SO. It’s so unfair. And nobody offers any sort of coverage for infertility. We already knew that was going to be expensive.

To top that all off, my girlfriend and I are 400 miles apart this week. I’m staying with my parents through the new year and she’s back at home, working. Phone calls are not as comforting as hugs. Feeling all alone because I haven’t even told my parents we want to have a baby is dumb, but I don’t want to get their hopes up. So yay, I get to be all clandestine when I’m reading the insurance information, scrolling through the pregnancy/maternity/post birth coverage stuff.

And now my partner feels really bad because her company sucks ass. I feel guilty because she has to pay for all of this. Could this suck any more right now? Oh wait, I could have PMS, too. Well, as luck would have it, I do. So I’m crying on the phone, I slept 16 hours last night, I’m eating everything in sight. FUUUUUCK. I know it’ll work out. In my head, I know this will work out. But for now, I’m going to feel sorry for myself and tuck my lonely, fat body into a cold, lonely bed.

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I’m a Grinch. There, I Said It.

December 25, 2010 at 6:09 am (TGF) (, , )

A little over a week ago my girlfriend found out that the friends she usually goes to visit for Christmas weren’t going to be home this year. Yes, they tend to be very last minute about things like this. Then again, so is my girlfriend. So she was trying to think of where to take her mother and brother for the holidays that was a drivable distance and had things for them to see and do. She decided to go to San Francisco on Christmas Eve day and stay through Monday. This was a good plan, except there are questions about where to eat for Christmas dinner, what to do during the day since most things are closed, etc. Her main goal was to make sure they were together for the holiday and hope that everything else fell into place.

I’m from the Bay Area, grew up about an hour south of San Francisco. Our family does a pretty traditional Christmas Eve with my extended family in Sacramento and then Christmas Day in the East Bay. And when I found out that my girlfriend and her family were going to be in the same area, I told her that I couldn’t spring them on my family with such short notice. I’m a horrible, horrible person. It’s not that I don’t want them to come to Christmas with my family. This Christmas just happens to be a very hard one, my cousin just had a lumpectomy and will be undergoing chemo soon. Her mother passed away over the summer. We usually go to my cousin’s house or one of her siblings’ houses for Christmas dinner. Imposing on their generosity felt wrong, given the stress they’re under. I know I could have asked, and I’m pretty sure they would have said yes. So why didn’t I? I kind of already feel like we’re invading their family time. To add 3 more people to the mix just didn’t seem fair.

Ugh. Guilt. Because I feel like I should have invited them regardless. They’re my family, too. I’m sorry they’re going to be alone on Christmas. In a strange city. That shouldn’t happen to anyone.

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Just in Time for the Holidays

December 13, 2010 at 4:28 pm (Healthy...?, TGF)

We’re changing insurance carriers. Which could potentially be a good thing, considering the insurance plan we currently have covers NOTHING when it comes to fertility. Unless one of us wants to be sterilized. That’s covered.

So now I’ve got to read up on a new plan and have my OB/GYN fill out paperwork for me. Of course, we still have to decide on a donor or even a sperm bank.

Anyway, this is additional stress but it has potential to be a good thing. My girlfriend’s company was just acquired by a larger company so hopefully their insurance is better and offers more for us. And hopefully they’re still paying the premiums.

Now to start reading about our new benefits package. Beats trying to figure out what to get everyone for Christmas.

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I Miss the Gays

November 28, 2010 at 9:51 pm (Randomness, TGF)

The holiday weekend has been fun and it’s been nice to spend some time with my family. Other than moving my father back into the house (he’d been living in an apartment a few miles away, long story), it’s been relatively relaxed and laid back. Still, I had a bit of free time yesterday and I decided I had to go somewhere to surround myself with my other family.  Yes, I ventured to San Francisco in search of the gays.

I went to the Mission to do a little bit of shopping and just walk around. Had a beer at Blondie’s Bar & No Grill, then traveled up Folsom to another shop. Back down to the Lexington Club for another pint…by this time I’d had enough beer and no food, so I stopped at the Burger Joint for a cheeseburger & fries. Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm! Walked around a bit more to make sure the alcohol had worn off, got a large coffee and then hiked back to my car.

Just walking around and hearing the gays made me feel better. I don’t consider myself heterophobic but I’m not used to being completely surrounded by straight people for almost three days made me twitchy. Combine that with the fact that it was mostly family and for the sake of my sanity I had to drive an hour and escape. I don’t know why I got so weirded out. It’s not as if I live in a gay neighborhood in Los Angeles. Quite the contrary, it’s mostly straight immigrants. But I see my gay friends at least once a week, I work for gay people, and my girlfriend is usually around.

Ah, maybe that’s it. I miss my girlfriend. I’m so dumb sometimes. Good thing I get to go home tomorrow.

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Hormonally Yours

November 21, 2010 at 7:36 pm (Baby on the Brain, TGF) (, , , , , , , )

I think that’s the name of an album from way back when by Shakespeare’s Sister. Good album. But that’s not what this post is about.

Backstory: I was never one to have a regular period. It would show up, sometimes it didn’t. Made for a few scares back when I was still sleeping with men. But that’s a whole other story.

Fast forward to July, I lost weight, my period came back. I started tracking it for real and my cycle went 33 days, 31 days, and the past few have been 29 days. I’m hopeful it’ll be more regular now but who knows? Watch, when we actually try to inseminate, I won’t have a period that month. I’m nothing if not obstinate.

BUT, the reason for the title of this post (and for this post at all) is that the past three months have seen the days leading up to, during, and after ovulating (and I think I’m ovulating because my BBT was 97.4 yesterday morning, which is .8 higher than my ‘normal’ 96.63) come with massive cramps, a migraine, and swollen and oh-my-god-don’t-let-the-wind-blow-on-them-they’re-so-sensitive breasts. They hurt when I take of my bra. They hurt when the water touches them in the shower. They hurt if I bend over. It’s unreal. My body is doing some strange things as it rewires systems that have been haywire because of my health and weight.

Oh, and moody, much? Seriously, I’m buying myself the “zero to bitch in 2.5 seconds” shirt. Short tempered, downright nasty. Is this supposed to happen when I’m ovulating? I’m used to PMS being right around the start of my period, not 2 whole weeks before! I feel so bad for my girlfriend, who, of course, gets the brunt of my moodswings. I’m normally pretty grouchy but this has been horrible.

Maybe I should go back on my beta-blocker. It made me so much more mellow and the added benefit of less painful migraines was great. Yes, it did seem to kill some of my braincells so my girlfriend made me stop taking it, but I was much more pleasant on it. I guess I can’t afford to lose that many brain cells. And the short term memory loss sucked, too.

I suppose I’ll have to remain a hormonal mass of moodiness for the time being. The influx of additional hormones when I get pregnant might make my girlfriend homicidal, though. I may have to invest in lots of massage appointments for her.

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