Holy Fuck. The Appointment Has Been Made

September 7, 2011 at 8:19 pm (Baby on the Brain) (, , , )

Yes, THAT appointment. The initial appointment/consultation that will hopefully start the “holy fuck we’re having a baby” process. We’ve decided to go to a reproductive endocrinologist at a reproductive center in Pasadena. Since I’m so freaking old (in baby making years), this ball’s got to go at light speed once it starts rolling. I was totally weird when I made the appointment. Tried cracking jokes that the appointment setter just didn’t get (they were awful jokes. Truly). And when she asked, “is this appointment for infertility?” I had no answer. Am I fertile? Probably. Can I get pregnant? Not with my current partner.

Tangent: Did I ever relate the story of another lesbian couple we know? At a family gathering, one of the women told her grandmother, “Grandma, we’re trying to have a baby.” Grandma looked at the two of them and stated, “You’re doing it wrong!” /tangent

I guess that makes me infertile for the time being. And in need of their fertility services. ICI, IUI, IVF. Rah Rah Rah! Siss-boom-bah! Or something like that. Which to choose? I’m thinking we’ll go right past ICI and try IUI, as we’ll probably be doing this at their facilities and not trying to be all “let’s both be involved in the baby making, here–let me shove this turkey baster up your —-while we’re surrounded by candlelight and soft music. Isn’t it beautiful?” I’m sure that works for some people but that’s SO NOT US! We’re going for clinical, efficient, and cost effective, thank you very much.

We’ve kind of settled on having a baby whose bio dad is…Taiwanese/Chinese. Our choices are so limited, we don’t even really care what the donor looks like. But we’ll get a picture just to make sure we don’t know him or worse, he’s related. Or maybe that’d be better? Whatever. Out of 4 potential donors, this one is tall(ish), smart, and likes sports.

Handing over the credit card for this stuff is going to hurt. I sent over a copy of my insurance card but we really have no idea how much it’s going to cost to get pregnant (and no, we’re not thinking past that to the actual cost of having another human who’s totally dependent on us. Just not going there, ok?). But it’s going to be worth it, right? Right?

If the damn doctor tells me I have to lose weight I might shoot him, though.

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Once Again, We’re Moving in a Forwardly Manner (Forwardly. HAH!)

July 20, 2011 at 4:57 pm (Baby on the Brain, TGF)

Well, it’s been 3 months since I’ve posted and we’ve finally circled back ’round to the babymaking subject. I have insurance, albeit an HMO that probably won’t do for shit with the whole getting pregnant thing, but it’s insurance nonetheless. My partner has a new job and we will have new insurance starting September 1st. So now we have to decide how to proceed. I have to choose not only an OB/GYN but also someone (who may end up being the same as my OB/GYN) to do the insemination. They supposedly have recommendations at the cryobank we may use. But do I pick one now and just pay out of pocket for the initial exams, knowing my “better” insurance, which may or may not cover more of these procedures, will be effective in a little over a month? I’m beginning to feel like I’m really running out of time. Clock ticking? Maybe. Probably.

So all this planning is great but my partner and I got into a discussion last night about disclosure. I sing in a choir and have to re-audition at the end of August. We have a huge season coming up and major things in the works, including a trip to a regional choral convention and singing with the L.A. Philharmonic. If I get pregnant, am I going to be able to handle the intense schedule and travel? Who knows? But should I tell my choir director about our plans? Some people in my choir already know (have I mentioned before that 80% of my friends are in this group?) so keeping it under wraps is going to be rather hard. Do I have any sort of obligation to tell my director, given how this might impact my commitment? My partner says no. If we were a straight couple and I got pregnant, hey, surprise! I think, though, that since this is a conscious decision I have a responsibility to say something. How would it look if I sprang this on my choir? It’s a courtesy, and nothing I would do if this was a work situation or in an instance where it really isn’t anyone else’s business but ours. But this is my choir. These are my friends. So do I tell them? I think the answer is yes, but damn, my partner is so much more private than I am. I guess we’ll see how it goes with the cryobank stuff first…

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How to Really Freak Me Out

April 22, 2011 at 3:46 pm (Baby on the Brain) (, , )

Write an article about how hard it is, despite all those Hollywood stars and media people saying otherwise, to get pregnant after 35…makes me want to quit before I even get started.

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Anti-Social Behavior

March 22, 2011 at 11:02 pm (Baby on the Brain, TGF)

I should not be left home alone. If left home alone, my usual MO is to sit in total silence for hours at a time. Since my parents left on Sunday afternoon, I’ve not spoken to anyone. I went downstairs to do some work yesterday but today I avoided everyone and holed up in the apartment until it was time to go to rehearsal. Didn’t even answer the phone, though I knew the guy calling me was outside. I could hear him as he left a message. Wonder if he heard the phone ringing in my room. Very thin walls and single pane windows, you know.

I’m not a social person by nature. I like to stay home, I don’t like to talk on the phone, I rarely go to new places by myself. Have I always been this way? I don’t remember. What was I like when I was single? I don’t remember that, either. So if I was single now, I’m not sure if this is how I’d really be or if I feel like I’ve nothing to do since my girlfriend isn’t here. Whatever. She’ll be back in 2 weeks. That’s a very, very long time from now. And I haven’t spoken to her since she left Saturday night. She’s extremely busy with a conference in DC and hasn’t had time to do anything but work since she’s been there, I know, but it’s weird not speaking to her for this long.

Oh, PMS, how I hate you. Lonely, bloated, I was eating everything in sight until yesterday. Today I’ve been hungry all day and kind of just…sad. And then I get sadder when I realize I don’t really DO anything when my girlfriend isn’t around. Yay, pity party!

Anyway, to add to the sad, today I read this blog for hours. I probably shouldn’t when I’m totally PMSing but I couldn’t help it. So then I cried for these people and how hard it’s been for them. And then it made me think, do I really want to go through something like that to have a child? And at rehearsal tonight we were talking about traveling in 2012, to 2 conferences. What if we have a child – are we going to be able to travel? Will we want to travel? Would I still be singing with this group if we have to care for a kid? I know I can’t commit to any sort of thing that requires a non-refundable monetary deposit. But I’m not ready to tell people why I’m hesitant about planning something that’s 15 months away…

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Personal Evolution

February 24, 2011 at 10:16 pm (Baby on the Brain)

My thoughts on getting pregnant seem to be changing. No, that doesn’t mean I no longer want to have a child. It means that the getting pregnant part is…evolving.  Back when we had health insurance for the both of us, my girlfriend and I were all for signing up with our local cryobank, picking an anonymous donor from their list, and *poof*, there’s a baby in my belly. Ok, I realize I’m probably oversimplifying the insemination part here, only because if I dwell on it I’ll freak out and, hey, gross myself out, too.

So back to this pregnancy thing. Without health insurance (even though our policy didn’t cover fertility issues), the expense of having a baby via artificial insemination is astronomical. Not that we can even start if I don’t have a regular OB/GYN. Which I don’t until my individual insurance plan kicks in on March 1st. There are forms to be filled out, interviews to be conducted, and maybe, just maybe, vials of bio-dad to be placed in our very own “baby daddy” vault at the cryobank.

Which makes me think going the turkey baster route isn’t such a bad idea. Buy an ovulation kit, pee on a stick, and once it gives the high sign, drive over to our friends’ house, and receive their generous donation. Now don’t go getting all excited there–the two gay boys will produce the necessary stuff and hand it over, whereupon it will be, um, implanted…in my body, which will be waiting in the next room. The boys have volunteered to help out and at first we weren’t sure we wanted to have babies with them. Ultimately, we’d prefer an Asian donor. And one who is anonymous, so as not to deal with legal ickiness. But is that really what’s important here?

My cousin’s friend had a “perfect kid” because she got to choose everything about him. Is that what we’re trying to do? When it all comes down to it, if I can’t have my girlfriend’s baby, does it matter who the father is? Or what the kid’s ethnicity is? It’s going to be half me, wouldn’t I rather the other half be someone known so I know who I blame when my kid sets off firecrackers in the girls locker room or hacks into the Pentagon? I think half Asian, half white kids are cuter, anyway. And most times they end up with pretty good skin and hair. Not to mention those round eyes that are so coveted by most of my family.

Definitely cheaper. Definitely more legal headaches that could happen. This obviously needs more discussion between the 4 of us. Good grief. Talking about it makes me squeamish. Guess I’ll have to get over it if this is what we really want.

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No Walking and Chewing Gum

January 9, 2011 at 1:12 am (Baby on the Brain, Randomness) (, , )

I am not a multitasker. I do not possess the skills required to do more than one thing at a time. That does not serve me well when I’m on the computer, on the phone, or driving. My girlfriend knows that I can’t listen to her if I’m working on a project (but she still talks to me anyway). She multitasks with the best of them, so she acknowledges my one-thing-at-a-timeness, but is unable to truly get it.

I can’t even listen to music if I’m trying to read or fill out paperwork. Some people need music or tv to fall asleep, I can only go to sleep if there’s no noise. Hence my need for earplugs (well, my girlfriend snores, too, but that’s another blog post).

This inability makes me worry about when we have kids. I’m never going to be able to get anything done if I have to finish one task before I can start another. At best, I’ll start a whole lot of stuff, get distracted, move onto a whole lot of other stuff, and have a half diapered child waiting to be fed while I’m in another room trying to pay bills or cleaning the microwave.

Another thing that worries me about this potential child? I stress out easily. To compensate I usually need a day all to myself to decompress. Like today–I cleaned the house, did the laundry, did some really anal-retentive things with my contacts list in my Outlook (I accidentally erased all of my contacts a couple of days ago. Talk about stress), and didn’t talk to anyone. All in all, I had a very good day. But I figure I’m not going to get a whole lot of these kinds of days when we have offspring. I don’t know how my mother did it. I mean, she’s one of the most independent, I-like-being-by-myself people I know. Does being a parent make you less selfish? I certainly hope it does for me.

I had a point to this post but I was sidetracked by watering my plants. Then I tripped on the way to the sink and had to clean up the water off the floor. Which led to getting out the mop. And now I’m too tired to do anything but stare at the words I’ve just typed.

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We’re 5 Days In…

January 5, 2011 at 11:01 pm (Baby on the Brain, TGF, Weekend Update) (, , , , , )

2011 so far has been full of changes. But to recap the last week we must go back…to 2010!

I submitted all my paperwork for my new health insurance, that was a pain in the ass. Did I mention that not only does my mother still have a fax machine but she has a scanner, too? Amazing. So after 2 attempts at faxing my application to my insurance person (the faxes weren’t coming out because the font they use for the application is like 8pt. Totally ridiculous) I had to scan the application pages to pdf and send them over via email. Which also took 2 attempts, because scanning them at 300 dpi made the file HUGE. Sigh. Live and learn. I’m learning nothing that takes place in my mother’s house happens quickly, nor does it happen as you wish it would. Every time we attempted to leave the house we were no less than 20 minutes late. We overslept. We had to feed the nephew. We had to wait for someone. We forgot to pack something. Just getting out of the house was a miracle.

December 30th I went to the airport to pick up my partner from the airport. After getting lost, twice, in the stupid airport parking lot (they’ve been remodeling for years and finally finished. And then they moved Southwest out of Terminal A to Terminal B. Or something like that. So I was very confused when I was directed into the “wrong” parking lot) I actually went into the terminal to wait for her plane to arrive. I’ve never been so happy to see somebody! And then I begged her to agree to getting a hotel room for New Year’s Eve because there’s only so much family I can take and I was over my limit. Luckily, she agreed and we got a fabulous little hotel room a few miles from my parents’ house.

New Year’s day was never ending food. I think I was shoveling food into my mouth from 2pm til around 10pm. My waistline increased dramatically the week I was home. I have no willpower, and my mother has a full pantry.

We decided to come home a day early so that we would have a day to relax before returning to the grind of everyday living. My brother told us that the grapevine (that part of I5 that goes through the mountains that separate Los Angeles from the Central Valley) was closed due to snow and we’d better take Highway 101. That drive is at least an hour longer than I5. Oh well. My girlfriend and I talked most of the way home about things we need to get done in the next few months, my lack of insurance and how that affects our baby timeline, and we finally had some serious discussion about babymaking. So far, I’ve done most of the research into the various sperm banks and their donor lists (still only have 1 or 2 choices if we’re really going for someone who’s Taiwanese or Japanese), as well as what steps need to be taken before I even come in contact with those little swimmers. First and foremost, I’m back on my diet. Then there’s finding another OB/GYN because my old one will be out of network if I do get accepted by Blue Cross. There’s much paperwork to be filled out and we will have to legally become domestic partners. With a pre-nup. We have to start the adoption process or at least find out how and where to start so that the baby can be on her insurance.

Oh, and then there’s the baby’s last name. I want our child to have both our last names. But do we hyphenate? I’ve got a rather long last name (9 letters) and her’s is shorter (4 letters). A 13 letter last name seems cruel if our child has a first name that’s more than 1 syllable and a Japanese middle name. So do we somehow shorten our names into one name? We came up with some seriously awful ones that made us laugh. Then we decided that our child, while he or she will be a source of amusement, joy, and laughter, doing something like naming him or her purely for our own entertainment is just not right. Ok, back to the drawing board. I’m sure we’ll have much more discussion about names in the future.

It is here that I must point out that in our less than 6 hour drive, my girlfriend had to pee 3 times. 30 minutes into our drive she was asking to find a place to stop for a potty break. Overactive kidneys she has, I’m sure of it. Nobody should have to pee every 20 minutes. I fully expect to eat these words when I have a baby’s knee in my bladder…

We made it home safe and sound with Christmas presents that we were not expecting now sitting on a bookshelf, waiting to be used and/or put away. There are chores to be done, my house was not clean and tidy when the new year came around and I’m convinced that I’ve cursed myself into this chaos for the rest of the year. My girlfriend offered to hire someone to come in and help clean, but I’m not sure I want anyone in my house, seeing the utter destruction that is our living room.  Again, I will probably rethink what I just said when I’m 7 months pregnant, can’t see my feet, and I’m trying to clean the toilet.

I wonder if it’s bad juju to talk about being pregnant? I mean I’ve not even started the whole process. Maybe I’m jinxing myself? Maybe I should just end this here and get some sleep. I’ve another post to write, though I expect I won’t get to that til later this week.

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Second Class Citizen

December 28, 2010 at 12:35 am (Baby on the Brain, TGF) (, , , , , , )

There’s nothing like a little discrimination to make you feel, well, downright shitty. I’ve spent the last few days in a funk, trying to figure out how I’ve lived this long and never really had anyone make me feel like this. I’ve been an out lesbian for over 15 years. I’ve been in a committed relationship for 10 of those years. I’m open and very vocal about who I am and what I am. So here I sit, utterly powerless, all because my partner’s company won’t extend benefits to me as her domestic partner. And according to my insurance agent and her legal counsel, it’s all legal, even in the state of California.

Because although we have a law that says companies must extend equal benefits to domestic partners as they do spouses, it doesn’t apply when the employees are partially funding their coverage. Fucking loopholes. This, my friends, is discrimination. And why I give a big “fuck you” to those asshats who say that domestic partnership is the same as marriage. If I’d gotten married when it was legal in California, would I be having this problem now? I don’t know. I’d probably be having a different problem, since my partner’s company is based in another state and they wouldn’t recognize our marriage anyway.

I’ve been lucky in that this has never been an issue before. But I think in a way it hurts more now. We have a plan, dammit! This was supposed to be the year we started making babies. Like, soon. And now if I switch to individual insurance, not only is it going to be ridiculously expensive (try anywhere from $280/month to $610/month) for me, it’s nearly impossible to cover prenatal care if I get pregnant within 6 months of my enrollment date. I can’t get pregnant until June BECAUSE MY INSURANCE COMPANY SAYS SO. It’s so unfair. And nobody offers any sort of coverage for infertility. We already knew that was going to be expensive.

To top that all off, my girlfriend and I are 400 miles apart this week. I’m staying with my parents through the new year and she’s back at home, working. Phone calls are not as comforting as hugs. Feeling all alone because I haven’t even told my parents we want to have a baby is dumb, but I don’t want to get their hopes up. So yay, I get to be all clandestine when I’m reading the insurance information, scrolling through the pregnancy/maternity/post birth coverage stuff.

And now my partner feels really bad because her company sucks ass. I feel guilty because she has to pay for all of this. Could this suck any more right now? Oh wait, I could have PMS, too. Well, as luck would have it, I do. So I’m crying on the phone, I slept 16 hours last night, I’m eating everything in sight. FUUUUUCK. I know it’ll work out. In my head, I know this will work out. But for now, I’m going to feel sorry for myself and tuck my lonely, fat body into a cold, lonely bed.

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Drivel…And Beer

December 11, 2010 at 6:44 pm (Baby on the Brain, Randomness)

Really, I’ve had little or nothing to say this past week that doesn’t have something to do with my migraines (I’ve had 2) and my general “blah” feelings. I feel fat, this is compounded by a loss of muscle because I’ve not worked out in months–probably at least 2 if not 3. I have no energy to do anything and want to eat everything in sight at night when I know I’m better off just going to bed. I’ve done some work on the apartment downstairs but let me tell you how much I don’t want to move down there or be subjected to the nastiness of it all. And it’s freaking cold down there. At least 10 degrees cooler than it is upstairs.

All that aside,  I’m worried because I sent off my tax info and other very important IDs to this guy in Texas who said he had a job for me come the middle of this month going into probably March of next year. Only after I sent him my stuff, he disappeared. Am I worried it’s a scam? Not particularly, since we were connected through a friend of mine who I trust. But I’m concerned because he hasn’t replied to 2 emails I’ve sent in the last two weeks. So I’m not holding my breath on that job. I seriously need work, though. Like, I can’t pay my bills and my girlfriend is going to kill me if I don’t have income soon kind of serious.

Is it fair to get a job when I know I want to have a baby in the next year? I feel kind of guilty about that. But hey, I suppose straight people do it all the time. Since my pregnancy is planned, do I have to tell my potential employers about it? I’m thinking no, because if this was an “oops” situation, they’d be stuck just the same. Still, it does seem rather unsportsmanlike to do it…

Enjoying my Belgian White Ale – Blue Moon really does rock. I’ve spent the last couple of days looking for bars in my area that have it on tap. I had it at the Lexington Club in SF when I was up there and it tastes radically different from what one gets from a bottle. So I’ve told my friends to expect a pub crawl in the near future.

In the meantime, I’m in love with this couples’ baby (one blogs here. The other, here). She’s adorable. I could spend days just looking at her pictures. And it’s a decided bonus that I enjoy reading her moms’ posts. They’re what I aspire to be, in the midst of my whining and dangling participles.

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Better Early Than Not At All

December 6, 2010 at 9:22 pm (Baby on the Brain, Healthy...?) (, )

I went to see my doctor last week for an update on my allergy & asthma medications. I’ve had allergies to animals and pollens for as long as I can remember. My allergist seems to think I’m so allergic I shouldn’t go outdoors. Anyway, I take a handful of medications to keep myself from running out of oxygen on a regular basis. We also discussed my migraines, which I seem to get at least twice a month, I think they coincide very nicely with ovulation and starting my period. But I’ve nothing substantive on that. I was on a beta blocker for a year to see if that helped any with the pain/length of my migraines, and it did seem to help, but my girlfriend said I lost too many brain cells and had too many memory problems while on the medication and made me stop. It also has some weird side effects related to heart attacks or something, so I did stop taking them.

Cut to this past week, and recent memories of the past two periods that were painful—cramps and migraines and bloated, oh my! My doctor thought it odd that a previous doctor had put me on a relatively high dose of the beta blocker and when I asked what the lowest effective dosage might be for migraine relief, he said it was about ¼ of what I used to take. So now I’m taking that in addition to the rest of the morning pills.

Oh, and the painful period? About 4 days early. Though I’m not sure. I thought, according to my BBT, that I ovulated about 10 days before my period started. I guess I’m going to have to get a lot more disciplined about my temp taking in the morning. I took it this morning and it was 96.5. My chart barely goes that low. I’m going to have to start drawing additional boxes for my x’s. I suppose, given how unpredictable my cycle has always been, that I’m going to be peeing on a lot of sticks when we actually start this process. And I’m glad I actually had a period, because it would suck to start not having one again. Well, except if I were pregnant.

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