I Miss the Gays

November 28, 2010 at 9:51 pm (Randomness, TGF)

The holiday weekend has been fun and it’s been nice to spend some time with my family. Other than moving my father back into the house (he’d been living in an apartment a few miles away, long story), it’s been relatively relaxed and laid back. Still, I had a bit of free time yesterday and I decided I had to go somewhere to surround myself with my other family.  Yes, I ventured to San Francisco in search of the gays.

I went to the Mission to do a little bit of shopping and just walk around. Had a beer at Blondie’s Bar & No Grill, then traveled up Folsom to another shop. Back down to the Lexington Club for another pint…by this time I’d had enough beer and no food, so I stopped at the Burger Joint for a cheeseburger & fries. Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm! Walked around a bit more to make sure the alcohol had worn off, got a large coffee and then hiked back to my car.

Just walking around and hearing the gays made me feel better. I don’t consider myself heterophobic but I’m not used to being completely surrounded by straight people for almost three days made me twitchy. Combine that with the fact that it was mostly family and for the sake of my sanity I had to drive an hour and escape. I don’t know why I got so weirded out. It’s not as if I live in a gay neighborhood in Los Angeles. Quite the contrary, it’s mostly straight immigrants. But I see my gay friends at least once a week, I work for gay people, and my girlfriend is usually around.

Ah, maybe that’s it. I miss my girlfriend. I’m so dumb sometimes. Good thing I get to go home tomorrow.


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Let the Holidays Begin

November 25, 2010 at 12:59 am (Randomness)

Thanksgiving is a holiday that I really enjoy. The food, the family, sitting around the table and talking til all hours of the night. Last year we didn’t get to celebrate because we were out of the country so I feel like I missed out on everything, even though I was having lots of fun in Asia. This year I there was no way I was going to miss out on my family’s Thanksgiving, even though I knew that my girlfriend’s family would be doing Turkey Day, too. Normally, we take turns, going to my family’s celebration one year, hers the next. But can I tell you something? I don’t really think it’s Thanksgiving if you order all the food except the mashed potatoes. Homemade is just…better. I can’t eat store bought pumpkin pie and truly feel as if it’s Thanksgiving. So since I missed out on everything last year, I had to come home this year. And my girlfriend decided to stay down in L.A. to celebrate with her family.

Thanksgiving is a hard holiday to be apart, especially since my girlfriend’s birthday usually falls right around that time. So not celebrating with her makes me sad. I probably should have stayed in Los Angeles this year but I need my turkey fix!

Anyway, going forward. When we have kids, how are we going to decide where to go for the holidays if it’s already so hard? We really will have to alternate. Truthfully, we’ve spent Thanksgiving and Christmas apart for many years and just been together on New Year’s. That’s just the way it’s worked out. Adding kids to the mix will definitely make for more compromises. I just hope I’m grown up enough to be able to not get my way all the time.

Happy Thanksgiving, I’m going to go help my mom by moving furniture around. No, I’m not cooking anything. I just realized that someday I’m going to be the one making the turkey and all the other stuff if I want traditional Thanksgiving. Oh. No.

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Hormonally Yours

November 21, 2010 at 7:36 pm (Baby on the Brain, TGF) (, , , , , , , )

I think that’s the name of an album from way back when by Shakespeare’s Sister. Good album. But that’s not what this post is about.

Backstory: I was never one to have a regular period. It would show up, sometimes it didn’t. Made for a few scares back when I was still sleeping with men. But that’s a whole other story.

Fast forward to July, I lost weight, my period came back. I started tracking it for real and my cycle went 33 days, 31 days, and the past few have been 29 days. I’m hopeful it’ll be more regular now but who knows? Watch, when we actually try to inseminate, I won’t have a period that month. I’m nothing if not obstinate.

BUT, the reason for the title of this post (and for this post at all) is that the past three months have seen the days leading up to, during, and after ovulating (and I think I’m ovulating because my BBT was 97.4 yesterday morning, which is .8 higher than my ‘normal’ 96.63) come with massive cramps, a migraine, and swollen and oh-my-god-don’t-let-the-wind-blow-on-them-they’re-so-sensitive breasts. They hurt when I take of my bra. They hurt when the water touches them in the shower. They hurt if I bend over. It’s unreal. My body is doing some strange things as it rewires systems that have been haywire because of my health and weight.

Oh, and moody, much? Seriously, I’m buying myself the “zero to bitch in 2.5 seconds” shirt. Short tempered, downright nasty. Is this supposed to happen when I’m ovulating? I’m used to PMS being right around the start of my period, not 2 whole weeks before! I feel so bad for my girlfriend, who, of course, gets the brunt of my moodswings. I’m normally pretty grouchy but this has been horrible.

Maybe I should go back on my beta-blocker. It made me so much more mellow and the added benefit of less painful migraines was great. Yes, it did seem to kill some of my braincells so my girlfriend made me stop taking it, but I was much more pleasant on it. I guess I can’t afford to lose that many brain cells. And the short term memory loss sucked, too.

I suppose I’ll have to remain a hormonal mass of moodiness for the time being. The influx of additional hormones when I get pregnant might make my girlfriend homicidal, though. I may have to invest in lots of massage appointments for her.

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My Ideal Child

November 19, 2010 at 9:15 pm (Baby on the Brain, Navel Gazing, TGF, Uncategorized) (, , , , )

This is not a wishlist. At least I don’t think of it that way. It’s more of an “I Hope That…” list for the child who is still pretty much a twinkle in his/her mothers’ eyes.

Yesterday during lunch my girlfriend and I were talking general timelines of when we thought we might start trying this whole insemination thing. Not that we’ve chosen a donor. Or even set up an initial consultation. I suppose those things will happen after the 1st of the year. It’s looking like it’s full steam ahead in the first quarter of 2011, though. Slightly queasy at the thought but excited, too. I don’t know whether I’d like a girl or a boy. Ideally, we’d have one of each but for now we’re concentrating on the “having the baby” part. I do think there are some character traits I’d like for our child to have, regardless of gender.

I’d love our child to be outgoing, not introverted to the point of a social disorder, like me. I’d like it if she learned to be open and empathetic like her other mother as well as somehow inherit my girlfriend’s work ethic and drive. I want her to speak 3 languages (English, Mandarin & Spanish) and be able to converse with her grandmother.

I don’t want our kids to have the same hang ups that my girlfriend and I do about weight and food. I want them to be healthy, active, and look to us for comfort, not chocolate or french fries. I’ve no idea how to accomplish this since I still go for the ice cream or any type of junk food when I’m sad, but that’s something I’ll work to get past.

I’m going to try not to be so opinionated, too. I know I’m judgmental and I’m sort of a prick about it but I don’t want our kids to think they can’t talk to me or that I’ll be closed-minded if they want to be, oh, I don’t know, straight or something. Ugh, I knew I should’ve started therapy a long time ago.

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Dress to Impress

November 18, 2010 at 8:01 pm (Randomness) (, , , )

UPDATE: I just read this post and it’s mostly incoherent babbling. My excuse is that I was typing this as my girlfriend was watching Super Size Me on Hulu about 5 feet away. And she’s kind of deaf, so the volume was up kind of loud so I couldn’t really concentrate. Sorry.

I’m now the proud owner of 2 compression shirts, one white, one black. They work well for flattening my chest even more than my sports bras. Why flatten my AAA cups? When I’m working it’s just more convenient. And it’s way more comfortable when I work out. I’m not sure what binding (and I use that term loosely, I’m not really binding my breasts) says about me, and I don’t think I’m doing it for a more masculine look although more androgynous is ok with me. I have long hair and unless I’m wearing a baseball cap I rarely get mistaken for a man anymore. I think it might work to my advantage to be androgynous in construction.

Anyway, I wear mens clothing most of the time, but until about 2 months ago, I owned one pair of pants that weren’t jeans. I had to buy new pants and now that I’ve lost a little weight the womens pants now fit better than mens. So I have 3 pairs of womens trousers. My dress shirts are all womens because the cut is more flattering, but I’m really looking at custom shirts online that I can order to size. And I’m becoming enamored of cufflinks. So dressing up–do I feminize myself? I don’t think so. Not much, anyway. I feel much more butch in my every day stuff. Anything more than jeans and a t-shirt? Definitely androgynous. But with boots with chunky heels. I’ll never be a girly girl, that’s for sure.

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I’d Be the Cool Parent

November 17, 2010 at 8:30 pm (Baby on the Brain, TGF)

According to Modern Family, you can’t have 2 fun parents. It doesn’t work. Someone has to be the bad guy, someone has to say “no”.

I’m pretty sure they’re right, but my parents were both fun in their own ways, and both of them had the ability to say no. True, I felt as if I was closer to my mother than my father, but I wasn’t ever one to confide in either of them. And I don’t remember who I asked when I wanted something. Most likely it was my mother. Of course, I didn’t have to ask for a lot. And yes, I was a spoiled child who turned into a spoiled adult.

Our kid’s going to have two parents who say no. Chances are pretty good I’m going to be the fun one. I think. Although I haven’t spent that much time around kids, and I tend to be kind of rigid with them. But my girlfriend told me once that she was concerned because I’m definitely going to be the “cool” parent. You know, the one all the other kids like, who gets along and relates to the kids instead of acting like an authoritative parent. I’ve never been cool. I’m a huge dork, actually. I like Star Trek (TNG) and computer games, for god’s sake. But if an 8 year old thinks I’m cool, I’m ok with that.

Can you have 2 cool parents? My girlfriend seems to think she’s not going to be thought of that way. She’ll be the rational one–HAH! She’s the one who whines, “I’m not tired!” when she’s been up for over 24 hours. She laments the end of our vacations on the second day out of 5. She thinks scheduling 20 hours out of her day is perfectly normal. Yeah, she’s the rational one. Totally.

I remember thinking that my older cousins were totally cool. Even when they ignored me. So maybe that’s just what all kids think. Until they’re 12 or so. Then all parents are the most embarrassing things ever. I can’t wait for that to happen. I can’t wait to be at dinner or something with my adolescent kids and their friends, talking about how junior thought it was much more fun to run around the house bare ass naked when he was 3. I’m actually grinning with glee at the thought. Cool parent? Not so much.

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Another Reason I Love My Girlfriend

November 14, 2010 at 11:03 pm (Randomness) (, )

Not only is she beautiful, intelligent, and absolutely wonderful, my girlfriend is fabulous with my parents. All of my family, really. But I can leave her alone with my parents while I go off and do things like prep for my concert and head out for an early call time and be confident that they all get along and actually manage to have a pleasant time together. My parents are nothing if not polite, amicable people, but I think all manner of spouses are intimidated by their in-laws. They definitely have their faults, and my father, especially, is hard to take in big doses (he really needs a hearing aid), and yet my girlfriend seems to handle it with ease.

Let me say here that I do not handle her mother with any sort of ease. She scares me, probably because her English isn’t the best.

There is no way I’d survive my parents without my girlfriend. Really and truly.

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I Have a Big Mouth

November 10, 2010 at 12:07 am (Baby on the Brain, TGF) (, , , , )

I have a problem not telling people every single thing about me, my relationships, my friends, etc. I can’t keep a secret. I’m not a private person by nature. So if you ask me a question, I’ll usually answer it and give you more information than you ever wanted to know. People think I gossip. I don’t, really, I just don’t think what people tell me is ever private unless you tell me so specifically.

My girlfriend is quite the opposite. For all that she has a “public” persona whose face is all over numerous blogs and who serves on a board of directors for a prominent theater company in L.A., she doesn’t tell just anyone her business.

This creates conflicts in our relationship. More to the point, it pisses her off royally when I say stuff I’m not supposed to. I’m not discreet. At all.

Which is why, after telling 3 people in rehearsal tonight that we might try to have a baby, I had to then tell them, “Don’t say anything to anyone. My girlfriend’s gonna kill me if she finds out I told you.” Yes, I say that a lot. One would think I’d be better at keeping my mouth shut. But no, I’m an open book. I say what’s on my mind and rarely do I think before I say it.

This is my leading theory on why I’m not very employable, by the way.

But so far, I’ve not told anyone about this blog. I’m thinking that I want to keep it anonymous, even though my avatar looks eerily like me. I’ve not even told my girlfriend that I’m writing here. Maybe that’ll come up when we actively start trying to conceive. Maybe it won’t. Because I’m not really sure I want her to read what I’ve written so far, and I don’t want to start self-editing or leaving things out because I don’t want her to feel bad. Or worse, get mad at me.

So I suppose I need another sign. This one will say: KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

Incidentally, the whole baby conversation started because I wore something kind of tight to rehearsal, and got a few comments about my weight loss. I said I’d like to lose another 30 if we’re going to try to have a baby. Yep. Big. Mouth. Dumb. Me.

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It’s a Freezer, not an Incubator

November 9, 2010 at 9:01 am (Baby on the Brain) (, , )

I started actually charting my basal body temperature yesterday morning. Day 1 it was 96.93 degrees. My temperature is usually at least a degree less than “normal” and from what I’d read, a woman’s BBT is the lowest temp of the day, so I marked the chart and got out of bed to brush my teeth. Incidentally, the instructions say to take your temp when you’re “half asleep.” Well, the half awake part of me can’t find the button to turn on the thermometer yet, but I’m working on it.

This morning, my BBT was 96.63. The chart only goes down to 96.5. What if it keeps going down, I thought. Of course, I was still in the half asleep stage and really had to concentrate to put the little “x” on the bottom of the chart. Already it seems that the line graph on my chart is going to resemble a seismogram for a 4.5 on the richter scale rather than the nice progression that is seen on most sample charts. Time for a little research on “normal”.

Turns out I’m in no danger of making a baby popsicle just because my body runs 2 degrees cooler than everyone else’s. But it might be difficult to figure out exactly when I’m ovulating when my BBT already varies .5 degrees from day to day. And forget the recommendation that I take my temp at the same time every day. I never get up at the same time 2 days in a row. Though I suppose that consistency is going to be a factor here. Just one of the many changes, I’m sure, in my life even before I get pregnant. Next it’s stretch marks and a craving for peppermint ice cream. Oh. I already have those.

Incidentally, what did people do before Google?

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I Can’t Wait for an Actual Baby in Our House

November 8, 2010 at 7:55 pm (TGF) (, , )

The one that’s here now? She’s going to be 34 in 2 weeks. Yes, I’m talking about my girlfriend. She woke up with a sore throat this morning and hasn’t stopped whining yet. Yes, she blames me completely because I had a sore throat last week, and (don’t tell her this) I’m pretty sure she’s right. Now, I’m not expecting that she’ll be her normal, sweet, caring self when she’s not feeling well, I know I’m no angel when I’m  not feeling well, but come on! “My throat hurts. It’s all your fault. I don’t feel good. I feel yucky.” Ten minutes later, the same 4 sentences. Repeat for 12 hours.

And don’t expect her to do anything–she started the dishwasher this morning but was apparently looking for some plastic container. An hour later she asked where the plastic container was. Um, in the recycle bin? “I’ve been looking for it for hours.” I suppose I should think about improving my mind reading skills. I also need a refresher course on patience and empathy. But when I asked for 3 hours, “Do you want me to go get you some dayquil?” and I got no response except for the occasional “I don’t feel good.” I wanted to scream.  I couldn’t even get mad at her for forgetting to flush the toilet. Really? You don’t feel well so you forget seemingly automatic things like flushing? Tearing my hair out seemed my only option. Instead, I made her the only food she’ll eat when she’s not feeling well: ramen with an egg.

So 2 hours ago, I asked again, “do you want dayquil?” She asked, “Will that make me feel better? Can you get me some sore throat-stopping stuff?”

Ugh. I love you, quit being such a baby.

I ventured to CVS, returned with her meds and cough drops, fed them to her (complete with, “Sit up, you can’t drink water lying down.”), emptied the dishwasher, did the other dishes, cleaned the toaster oven, made her tea. Now I’m letting her listen to This American Life and watch tv and I’m not even yelling at her to turn it down. Even though I can’t think. I think I’m going to bed early. After I’ve fed her more dayquil and tea.

What are we going to do when there’s a real live, screaming, crying BABY in our house? Do we both have to become adults? Can we take turns? I’m pretty sure that neither of us are going to be feeling 100% when the kid gets here. I think I’m going to make a sign: SUCK IT UP. Probably more than one. How about one for every room?

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