Hormonal

October 28, 2010 at 5:40 pm (Randomness) (, )

That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it. Cry at the drop of a hat (or while watching GMCLA’s video for the Trevor Project & It Gets Better), weird crampy feeling in my stomach, and the insatiable appetite. I want to eat everything in the house. Good thing there’s not really any food, I’ve had a protein shake, leftover Chinese food, a couple of wedges of Laughing Cow cheese, and a grilled cheese sandwich. Oh, and some excellent handmade chocolate with toffee bits from my girlfriend’s trip to Napa a couple of weeks ago. Seriously though. It feels like my stomach is EMPTY. I’m now contemplating oatmeal and a beer. I need something to make me not hungry so I can go out after the baseball game and buy real food. Lots of staples to stock up on so I suppose I’ll spend some time trying to figure out who has the best deals this week.

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Identity

October 25, 2010 at 9:44 pm (Navel Gazing)

Asian American. Buddhist. Queer. Woman.

More specifically:  Japanese-American. Jodo-Shin Buddhist. Butch with Femme tendencies.

I’m a 4th generation Japanese American. My father was born in an internment camp during World War II, my mother is a baby boomer whose father was drafted into and served with the 442nd. I come from farming families on both sides, blue collar with a bit of education thrown in to make many of my generation college graduates who work 9 to 5 jobs sitting behind a desk. I played basketball in a Japanese youth league until high school, did book reports on works written by Japanese American authors about Japanese American issues (lots and lots of Yoshiko Uchida’s books. I loved them), thought it was important for all my friends to know about Hiroshima and about the 442nd.

I also grew up in a household where there was no fighting. It was forbidden by my father. He didn’t like yelling, arguing, hitting, etc. So my brother and I didn’t fight. If I got mad I went to my room. If my parents got mad, my dad left the house and my mom slammed lots of cabinet doors and stomped through the halls. Passive aggressive behavior was the norm. I didn’t realize that people could argue and still like each other. I was very agreeable all through high school because I thought that if I had a different opinion I’d lose my friends. That didn’t really change until a few years ago. I’ve had to overcome the passive-aggressive behavior and with a few people I’m no longer afraid to express my opinions.

When I came out, I thought I had to fit into some sort of “I’m a big old dyke” kind of persona. I cut my hair to make it easier to identify myself on the outside with who I thought I was on the inside. And I looked horrible with short hair. So now I’m a butchy type lesbian with long layered hair, usually in a pony tail. I wear mostly mens clothing but on occasion have been known to wear a dress or a skirt. But I always have a hard time finding shoes that are appropriate to wear with them. So I’m definitely more comfortable in my cargo shorts and t-shirts. When I weigh more, the t-shirts are baggy and the shorts are way oversized. Lately the shirts have gotten a little more fitted though. I love having painted toenails but my fingernails are always filed down short. I have a love affair going with my pointy tweezers and my eyebrows are usually well groomed, as are my upper lip and sideburns. I don’t know if I classify myself as really butch anymore but I’m definitely not femme. Or a girly girl. Somewhere between, I suppose.

What does it all mean? Not sure what it means to other people, but I’m gradually becoming ok with who I am. Sure, I’d like to be skinnier, more successful, and taller, but I’ll settle for being semi-comfortable in my current skin.

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I Hope I’m Not The Kind Of Parent

October 24, 2010 at 9:40 pm (Randomness) (, , , )

Who has to do everything for their child. Sure, I want to make sure that our child is well cared for and that he or she doesn’t have too many hardships. But I know that I’m spoiled and that I will probably spoil our child, too. That said, here’s where I draw the line:  I will make sure that our child knows how to clean–vacuum, scrub a toilet, dust, etc.–and how to do their own laundry. Oh, and iron. Making our child self sufficient is important to me, since I get the feeling that some kids, once they’re on their own, have no idea how to approach the ‘simple’ things that I learned growing up. Our children are going to have chores. Dishes, garbage, cleaning, in addition to things like keeping their own rooms clean and doing their homework and eating their vegetables.

Hell, I might even teach them how to sew. At least how to replace a button or stitch a patch on something.

Unless our children grow up to be independently wealthy, they’re not going to have housekeepers or other people who will do these things for them. I plan to give them plenty of lessons about how to be neat and clean. And if they choose to then live in filth, I’ll just have to lament about another thing at which I’ve failed my children.

Oh, and there’s a HUGE difference between being clean and being neat. Clean means yes, you can go into my bathroom and not question my own personal hygiene. I’m not neat by any stretch of the imagination. Piles of stuff are cluttered about our home, waiting to be sorted and put away. But I vacuum every week. I do the dishes daily. I clean the bathroom. A lot.

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Things I Won’t Be Able to Do…But Will I Miss Them?

October 23, 2010 at 4:57 pm (Randomness, Uncategorized) (, , , )

Getting pregnant means a lot of changes both physically and mentally for us. Mentally I’ll have to accept that we’re going to be responsible for that life that’s growing inside me. And sharing our lives with another person, having that person basically become our lives? It’s a lot to take in.

Physically? I don’t know how I’m going to adapt to another being inside me. Depending on me for its’ food and well being. I’ll be more aware than ever that I can’t eat the double quarter pounder with cheese and large fries. I won’t be able to start my day with 32oz of coffee with non-dairy creamer and splenda. Working out 3-5 times a week? Who knows if I’ll have the energy or will to do that anymore.

And I’ll have to give up beer.

That’s HUGE. I love beer. It’s my guilty pleasure, given how  I’ve started watching my carbs and calorie intake. There are very few things that throw off my diet like beer. Because I can’t have just one. Probably two or three. Yikes.  So today, in honor of the Giants game, I’m on my second Blue Moon.  456 calories. No more food tonight!

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Things That Keep Me Up At Night

October 21, 2010 at 2:43 pm (Baby on the Brain) (, , , )

This is no small thing. I want to do everything I can to keep our child from being teased, bullied, or looked at as if he/she is different. Our kid will already be facing an uphill battle: 2 moms (although I know it’s much, much easier for us than it is for people who don’t live in a major metropolitan, fairly liberal area and who don’t have as many legal rights as we will right from the get-go), most likely there will be weight issues, even if we find a donor who is 5’10” and weighs 90 lbs. What really worries me? In the wake of the past month’s tragedies involving LGBTQ kids and the unbearable sorrow at the loss of those young lives this seems trivial. But this is me just in my head. I won’t be able to bring our child up in Los Angeles as a San Francisco Giants fan. I don’t think I can subject him or her to the kind of ridicule they’ll receive for wearing the black and orange instead of blue and white. Is that silly of me? I am a Giants fan. I’ve always been a Giants fan. I love my team. I don’t hate the Dodgers. But I can’t stomach the possibility that they’ll grow up loving those boys in blue more than MY team. It’s kind of ridiculous to be thinking of something seemingly so trivial when we’ve not even decided to meet with my OB/GYN.

I’m becoming one of those people for whom every thought is colored by the “baby crazies”. Blegh.

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Blank

October 20, 2010 at 12:10 am (Randomness) (, )

I really started this with the intention of blogging every day. But I’ve nothing to say today, so I guess I just need to write when I feel compelled. Ugh. Today I consumed 4 pieces of pizza and oatmeal. So if I eat anything else I’ll be overdoing it calorie wise for the day (even though I’m starving right now). I suppose I should just have a protein shake so I won’t be miserable when I wake up in the morning.

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The Ick Factor

October 18, 2010 at 2:02 pm (Baby on the Brain) (, , , )

Getting pregnant without a guy can be great–you get to choose the donor, the physical and mental characteristics of your baby’s bio-dad. But it’s also overwhelming, that choice. (An aside here, the plan as it stands is for me to have our first child, my girlfriend to have our second, and then maybe one of us will want to have another? We’re definitely set on having at least 2 though.) I want our kid to be taller than us (not hard, we’re both barely over 5 feet), smart, artistic, athletic, and hopefully not dealing with being the fat kid most of his/her life. So our donor has to be Asian, tall, athletic, high IQ, and skinny. What narrows it down even further (because that’s not being too over specific at all) is that our children would preferably be part Japanese, part Taiwanese. We’d prefer using the same donor for both of us, meaning that donor has to be part Japanese, part Taiwanese. Of course, not many donors list being Taiwanese even if they are. They check the Chinese box instead. Frustrating. And we don’t know of any so far that are part J and T. So now what do we do? Different donors for each of us? Same donor but then that changes our kids’ ethnicity? Is that even something we care about, really?

Other choices: my OB/GYN thinks that we could do the insemination at home. I don’t know if I could actually do that though. My tolerance for anything even closely resembling sperm is -100%. So handling it or putting it in my body? Much more likely to not make me vomit if it’s in a clinical setting. Cheaper, yes, doing it at home. But I don’t think that’s something I want to do.

Known donor. Like, a friend or relative. Complicated. And I don’t know how to ask someone to do that for us. Yes, I’d like our children to be parts of both of us, but in this case I think it’s going to matter more that they’re brought up by us, not that they’re biologically part me and part my girlfriend.

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100 Days

October 17, 2010 at 8:42 pm (Baby on the Brain, Randomness) (, , )

100 days ago I started working out with a dvd, doing cardio and weights 5-6 times a week for the first 45 days, tapering off to about 3-4 times a week since then. I also stopped eating fast food (there was one day when I had to have a bacon/egg/cheese biscuit from McD’s but that’s it) and started watching my calorie intake. I figure I now consume between 1200-1500 calories per day, mostly protein.

I started at 177 lbs. and now I’m down to 157.5 as of this morning. It’s a little faster than my goal of losing 1-1 1/2 lbs per week, but since I don’t really feel as if I’m suffering, I’ll take it. I don’t want to be fat anymore. I’m tired of being tired, outgrowing my “fat” clothes, and chafing in funny places while I’m working. I’m also finding that I’m more hormonally balanced when my diet and exercise routine is better, and I’ve had 3 consecutive “normal” periods. Which hardly ever happens.

I’m amused at the number of people who ask me, “what are you doing to lose weight?” Um, diet and exercise? There’s no quick fix for me. And I’d rather not do some scary diet, lose a heck of a lot of weight, and then have all this skin hanging around after. Ick. I figure if I’m going to have a baby, I’m going to have a hard enough time getting my body to bounce back as it is.

My goal right now is to lose another 10 lbs and keep that off for a while. Of course, my other goal is to have a baby in the next 12-18 months, so the weight thing may be pushed aside in favor of just being healthy enough to conceive and have a successful pregnancy. But I’m proud to have come this far and decided to mark this day with a post. Yay me.

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everyone in my family is having babies

October 16, 2010 at 5:58 pm (Baby on the Brain) (, , , )

My cousin’s in labor right now. with twins. She had a dr’s appointment yesterday and her blood pressure was elevated and there was protein in her urine so they decided to induce her last night/early this morning. As far as I know, she’s still in labor and things are progressing smoothly. Here’s to a safe delivery and healthy baby girls.

My cousin is 2 months older than me. Her sister had a baby earlier this year. My brother & his wife had a baby a year ago. So yeah, I think I’m about the only cousin around my age who hasn’t yet popped out a kid. I have a huge family that just keeps getting bigger and bigger. We’re onto the 5th generation of Japanese-Americans in the US.

Every time I see that side of the family, the questions start. “When are you getting married?” “When are you going to have a baby?” Yes, they know I’m a lesbian. I never had to tell them. I’m extremely lucky they’re so accepting. I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 10 years. We thought about getting married in 2008 when it was legal in California, but we didn’t feel the time was right, nor did we want to get married on someone else’s timetable.  And while it’s important that we get married, someday, it’s more important that my family recognizes our relationship and treats it and my girlfriend the same as everyone else’s. Besides, my girlfriend’s not out to her family. Her story to tell.

But I can’t see us having a baby until my girlfriend’s out. I mean, how does that work? “Uh, Mom, my room mate’s pregnant. No, she’s not getting married. Yes, we’re going to raise the baby together.” Awkward.

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Every Once In A While

October 15, 2010 at 11:43 pm (Baby on the Brain) (, , )

I send freak out emails to one of my best friends. Because she lives 6000 miles away but I’ve known her for over 20 years. I shouldn’t send them, I hate it when my dad does that to me (we call them email bombs, he figures if he can’t say things out loud, well then, he’s just going to say them in an email), but I can’t seem to help myself.

Subject: i think i’m gonna have a nervous breakdown

because i’ve got some sort of horrific baby on the brain thing going on over here.

i’m hormonal. that’s for damn sure. i’m reading blogs about lesbians having babies. about how there are no maternity clothes for butch (ok, i’m not really totally butch but i do prefer mens’ clothing over womens’ and oh shit, where does that apostrophe go?) dykes and i’m going to have to resort to floral patterns and ruffles. god help me.

did i mention the sperm donor catalogs? so far, i have ONE choice if i want a taiwanese donor, maybe 4 if i want a japanese donor.

babies. me. stupid ticking clock is getting louder in here.

and how is everything over there?

And then, two days later:

Subject:  I’m over freaking out now

really, i am. fucking hormones.

anyway, don’t know what i’m going to do about the baby thing. ugh. me? baby? frustrating that my brain’s suddenly become this minefield of previously unheard of needs and i can’t do anything about it. except drop stupid emails on unsuspecting friends. yay me.

i promise to keep them to a minimum.

Most of the time I feel like a basket case. I think I want a baby. I think I want to be pregnant. There’s never a “good” time to have one, I guess. With my girlfriend’s schedule as hectic as it is, it’s never really a good time to even talk about this stuff. I want to make that appointment to see if I’m even able to get pregnant. Does insurance cover this? No, of course not. Am I even sure she wants to have kids with me? Pretty sure. I know she wants to have her own biological child but does she want mine? I hate feeling like I’m running out of time.

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